Judging from my past few posts, where I'm essentially spewing material I'm assessing as fighting my inner demons, I woke up this morning to find numerous articles addressing the "dark night of the soul". It wasn't just one article, but a few, which I had to take as a sign as speaking something personally to me. I definitely related to each of the articles, which described a time of feeling lost to one's Self. The concept is derived from a relevant poem from St. John of the Cross, where he is feeling distant from his Deity and attempting to return to his beloved.
Under the Siva Sutras and the Tripura Rahsaya, I've somewhat redefined my loved Shiva into the psychological definition of "awareness". To remain under awareness, void of thought, transforms an individual by tapping the human vehicle into a higher form, the Higher Self.
Under law of attraction techniques, tapping into this state of mind places one into immediate perspective of one's surroundings. In other words, one is able to remain in "presence" of the "now" as espoused by Eckhart Tolle's of the world. From here, one can re-engage one's personal vibration/feeling into a higher emotional state. Allowing one to be in a higher, happier, more blissful state emotionally, activates the law of attraction to manifest a (un)reality that is appropriate for that vibration.
From my practice, staying in the higher vibrations has led me to battle the part of me that one's to stay in the lower vibrations. Such becomes even more difficult when the external (un)reality has not quite shifted into the higher vibration perspective. Remaining within this "gap" becomes a battle where karmic-thought-forms arise, such as ideas of worth, lack, doubt, etc., arise to bring the practitioner down.
For many who practice the law of attraction, they begin with something like a parking spot in a crowded area. However, I chose some high states of consciousness, I chose an attempt to bridge as much of Higher Self as possible within this human vehicle.
Though my external (un)reality has given me plenty of synchronicity's and intuitives have further confirmed my attempt, to choose to reach for the sky has also been to choose to reach into the pits of my hells. Now, numerous teachers have expressed that diving into the bottom is not required, in fact, don't do it. Simply go back and recognize your vibration, and keep it up. That was difficult for me.
Keeping up my vibration has been like a bouncy house. Though I used numerous energetic healers, who through their youtube videos tend to be able to do some amazing inner shifts for me (Panache Desai, Ethann Fox, and Yogiraj SatGurunath Siddhanath) as well as continue with my own meditative practice, the dark soul seems to take its hold significantly.
For me, it's been like having the desire to even attempt to go into an "awareness" state of mind completely removed to the point where I forget to do such. It's like the thought-emotional construct takes over my psyche and completely deludes me into a lower feeling, one that doesn't not want to do "awareness" or raising vibration. Given that under these conditions, one cannot simply just pull oneself out of the deluge, it appears that I'm too remain here and explore these inner darker depths of my psyche, of my lower gut which is emotionally connected to the unconsciousness (gut feeling).
Since the last mercury retrograde, and the other numerous planets that joined mercury, I've never felt a dark night of the soul to this intensity. The emotive is bi-polar, maybe due to the energetic videos, but the experience was to be "naturally" low. Nonetheless, I managed to see ideas and limiting thoughts about myself buried deep with my unconscious, and I chose to face it in order to evolve. I would not recommend this process to others as it sucks, but feel that humanity may be better served if we took the time to heal ourselves, or to heal each other. I was lucky enough to have someone, a stranger, offer me support like I've never seen before, in helping me clear my head of my practice, my philosophy, basically my past, and her ability to offer communicative support was enough to show me that the divine will send someone when you ask the divine for assistance.
Now, I'm not sure whether my technique is the best one, but it helps if one chooses to face his/her inner self for the sake of liberating oneself from shackling beliefs. I still have yet to see my hopes and dreams manifest, sans the signs and synchronicity's, and in the process feel that my psyche is completely fried, ready to throw in the towel. Nonetheless, I aimed very high, to bridge my physique with my Higher Self.
If these law of attraction and meditative techniques are correct tools, and if man does hold the ability to manifest his/her hearts desire, I desire God. And, I will face the devil if I have to do so. I hope I don't have to do this alone and hope there are many others out there crazy enough to join me. There's nothing more I want than my beloved.
Hence, my battle with my dark night of the soul.
It's easier to tread the lighter path, hence, such is recommended for the majority practitioners. In the East, those who tread the darker path, aimed for the light, the drop of light in the yin. Hence, when treading the darker route, it's necessary that one holds some bhakti, some love and devotion, so they may not stray into the dark. When I say dark, I don't mean dark entities, the demons of our traditions. What I care is about the darkness in my own psyche. Such darkness again is not in reference to horror movies, but things that trigger us. Be it road rage, social status issues, sense of self worth, addictions, things that hold us down I believe to be the dark.
Most esoteric and occult practitioners know that the goal is to attain Self, a version higher than ego. That should be made clear to all initiates. The attempt is to raise consciousness, someone's level of awareness. Nonetheless, when I dived into the occult, such was not explained. Luckily, I grew up in a household that held the teachings of the higher Self, the Bhagavad Gita. Though it took texts like the Ashtavakra Gita, or the Tripura Rahasaya to truly understand the Bhagavad Gita, searching for the Higher Self is in essence the great search for one's Spirit, our unified Spirit.
When I dive into my own shadow, it is for the sake of transcendence, to be able to face any attachment/addiction and relinquish its hold. In other words, I will have full control over my senses and decide how to use as such, as opposed to following the highly intoxicated monkey brain with incessant neuronal firing of ego thoughts. Nonetheless, I find that my ego has certain creative elements and aspects that I enjoy, including material in the shadow, with the summation of such I would deem my soul expression, the personality I would like to carry in the world.
In my path, though I may choose harsher forms of music at times, though I may choose to read script exploring the darkest depths of consciousness, I am forever in favor of a blessed humanity. I choose to serve mankind, though I feel finding Self is the greatest service possible. To walk among humanity the way Jesus and Siddhartha touched the lives of the fallen and meak. Though I seek strength and intellect in the dark, sometimes that is an aspect that will help me stick up for myself, I seek humility and love at the feet of my great masters.
It was Krishna, Jesus, and Siddharta who taught me service to humanity. It was Yogananda who taught me that each human being was capable of something much more Spiritual in this life, not just the after-party. It was Black Elk who taught me to honor Mother Earth as she is a Sentient Being. It was Ramakrishna who taught me to be as a child when approaching the divine. It was Anandamayi Ma who taught me that bliss can be found on someone's face. It was St. Francis Assisi who taught me the greatness of animals. It was Prahbupada who taught me the importance of the heart over the intellect. It was Gurdjieff who taught me the importance of seeking. It was the Dalai Lama (Tenzin Gyatso) who taught me compassion.
So while I may choose the esoteric and dark to invigorate the intellect, I have done so with such great masters residing in my heart space, who are my role models. I've recognized the shadow inside me and have sought to gain wisdom, strength, and to further create love through understanding.
There are many who attempt certain practices without proper initiation and the internet has been avenue for finding some of the most hidden texts rather easily. Remember, even Aleister Crowley taught that one must seek the Holy Guardian Angel to proceed, though, that is typically not shown in many occult texts. I've seen way too many individual talk about jumping straight into certain invocations. Hence, you have a plethora of individuals who readily dive into certain esoteric practices, not understanding the importance of clarity of intention, and I wonder about their psyche. Though everyone's Higher Self is protecting and guiding them, choosing the dark, for the dark, to remain solely in the dark, man, I don't even want to fathom that type of psychology.
I feel this warning has not been quite expressed, especially after seeing young esoteric explorers on social media who are attempting a western esoteric path without formal training. In addition, placing intention on certain entities can create distortions in the pysche, ones that may affect thought processes. The goal is to find one's true-self, by containing/controlling/transmuting such distortions. Certain paths exists as a fast path to the light, not to remain in the dark. You gather wisdom from such efforts, which leads to proper understanding of the nature of the universe.
When I explore the inner depths of my own darkness, I'm glad I have the support of my beloved masters who have made sure to strengthen my heart first.
Mind you, this post is significantly from my shadow side. I'm seeking to integrate all that is within me, so there will be cursing (I'm not someone who normally curses). Moreover, I'm purging with the assistance of planetary shifts, and Donald Trump (and protestors) were at a convention just a few blocks from my home, definitely chaotic energy.
I'm going through an intense process. Yep, this one's another journal piece. I'm fighting my inner demons is what seems, or actually, I'm having a chemical shit storm with them. Anyways, lets dance the dance. (Warning; this one may not be for you shiny ones).
Thank the dogs, there's nothing like some heavy fucking metal to not just cope, but explore the darker depths. To passionately purge the demiurge. I'm a "rainbow in the dark", listening to the sound of the "monstrance clock".
I've lost it. Don't mind my neurons as they readjust themselves to something more appropriate. Hopefully sanity.
Let me think, if I were to choose to be a pristine God or a badass Devil, I just don't know. I was somewhat raised in the Church where life's many sensuous luxuries were all court orders sending you to the pits of the nonbiblical inferno. Seriously, I've been the good kid, did the fucked up 8am-7pm adult slave to debt thing, been pretty much more on the ascetic monk end instead of a cool extrovert. I want to know, what the fuck is in heaven if all the good shit is here, and I fucking missed it.
I mean really think about it. If the fucking Devil really opposed God, don't you think the Devil would be throwing one badass party wherever the fuck Hell is? Wouldn't he be advertising that piece of real property as it would be some raunchy music video, or some other visual heroin for the masses. I don't understand the kicks he would get in just constant torture. Wouldn't he want to torture God the most, out of all entities, by making his own minions happy? Seriously, this devil thing doesn't make much sense to me. Then again, isn't God that condemns people to hell, not the devil? I know I've felt the fury of condemnation by these unequal cross pushers.
Neither this angelic thing. Fuck being an angel. Before you judge me, you know what, being that puss is natural to my introverted ass. I've been angelic as they come with my lifestyle, well, at least in the western world. I don't know what being like that get's you, is it really a heaven? Okay, I'll admit, I've watched a lot of those new agey healer types, and you know what, I definitely felt some heavenly love thy neighbor shit. Especially Ethann Fox, I dare you to watch his energy transfer video and tell me it did nothing! Then again, I'm a madman and don't give two shits what you think. But are we really to turn into some sort of victimized humble doormats for other peoples crap.
True story. Just the other fucking day, I'm on my lunch break trying to get into the drive-thru, and this little preppy/shiny/flossy girl flat out cuts me off, attempts to give me a reason through her windshield like I'm some kind of highly visual lip reader, solely to get her food 2 minutes faster. I was flying in some angelic love thy horseshit dilemma that Ethann Fox threw me into, wondering why my introverted ass was nice and sociable to people earlier in the day, and this girl just went and fucked that up. Being the mental alchemist that I am, I dive in and wonder, wait, do I respond like an angel and just let her through, I mean, she's a girl in all, ladies first, right? Then I get this hunch from the back, telling me to stop fucking kidding myself. I've been thrown around like this my whole life. It was too late to do anything and my psyche's more fried than I can handle. Seriously, do I sack up and pull some gangster shit or do I channel my ability to love the moment. Or, do I attempt to recognize that, via law of attraction, I created that moment.
Okay, now that I created that moment, how do I proceed? Ice Cube or John Denver. I can create that too. But, you know what my ass chose. Nonetheless, that had me thinking, what is it really to be a God? In each moment, we have the ability to choose, do we be angelic or demonic. Wait, is God really just all angelic and not demonic, like in those ideologies nonheathens have forced into my neurological structure? Fuck that nonheathen shit, give me Giordano Bruno! If God is really "all that is", then woudn't that include his furry chinned friend, another Christian misnomer.
Seriously, clearing my emotions, diving into no-thought, I come back out like, Ice Cube or John Denver, choose? Now that I'm ruminating, I so wish I'd channel my inner Ice Cube. And, I'm not talking about this new family-man Cube, I'm talking about mother-fucking-"Predator"! Okay, maybe office space. He said it right, "damn it feels good to be a gangster". In essence, if I had God-like powers, I really don't know. Then again, I would just tap into a reality where that didn't happen I guess, but where's the fun in that. I'm pretty sure it does feel good to be a gangster every now and then. I mean, I've managed to check some fools beyond the checkerboard in my day. If you care, I ended up being John Denver, taking a moment to enjoy a purple flower in the concrete landscape, while I waited for this shiny girl to drive away from my sight onto her perfect little happy life.
Transcend the whole fucking situation, what was it that I needed to learn, hopefully so this shit stops manifesting. But, I can't really think what would be the better option. Actually, I'm really thinking gangster is the way to go. What would God do?
Go back to the heathens. Isn't God the synthesis, the integration of the light and dark, the good and the bad, the righteous and the evil. Another words, God is the angel and the devil in one, unison. So, are we supposed to be fighting the shadow side? Makes you think what we little microcosm really are, created in the image of God. Maybe, that's why we're above the angels?
Integrate the shadow side Atem, I mean Amit.
The last few weeks have been some muddy times. More so, the last few days have been a personal hell. The current planetary positioning, with numerous retrogrades, is one where humanity is too slow down. Particularly Mercury in retrograde, given that Gemini has prominence in both my western and eastern charts, it's a time to reflect on life. I believe that to mean, it's our own personal judgment time period, where we reflect on our past and try to gain wisdom in moving forward. It's a sin, or karma, if we keep choosing the same patterns that are not part of our Spirit expression. Hence, the need for reflection.
Though far from physical self-abuse, this current reflection period is essentially ego suicide for me, which my ego is scared to relinquish. Though our ego is our self expression, our personality out into the world, the ego has been given the task of decision maker that should be done by Higher Self. The ego should not be destroyed, but healed. I know now that my Higher Self want's me to be what makes me the happiest. What to do? Which path to walk, the one that society has esteemed for me, or to follow my inner expression using the skills gained with my own unique expression, which I've attempted to subdue from public eyes?
My Black Moon positioning is in Aries, an aspect which defines my shadow side as having issues with a sense of worth. Completely true from my experience, my inner issues have been externally manifested throughout all my life, with constant rejections, being picked last, etc. It's a lesson I need to resolve, to learn that I'm worthy just by my ability to exist, to be, to breathe. Nonetheless, already a social reject, I sought the strange, the odd, the dark. As a Sagittarius Sun, I sought deeper truths, which I could only find in what would be coined as the left hand path, to be Self, to unite with God, to be God (Shivoham). Nonetheless, I've barely made it socially with trying to be normal, do I dare bring my inner expression out into the world? Remember my Black Moon, not only does rejection hurt, but praise and exaltation is completely unnatural, which led to the demise of Kurt Cobain and Johnny Cash. (Laura Walker of the oraclereport.com; her morning report was spot-on accurate for what I faced). Those are my demons, very different from the macabre figures of our horror stories. It's the inner voice that has persistently told me that "I'm not good enough". Such expression sinks my heart, but I've grown to consider that depth home, my practical state of being.
This blog was initiated to clear my head of all the knowledge, wisdom, and insight that I've acquired in the last 31 years. Though occultists typically keep such notes a secret, I've had inclinations that others may benefit from my attempts (successes and failures) to seek higher wisdom. Given the fact that I can look back at the last 31 years of my life and say its not worth to continue in ego, I can truly express that I want a fast pass ticket to wisdom. Give me wisdom, or give me death. Hence, Kali is my perfect beloved, the imminent Mahavidya who I've sacrificed all for, including my own head.
While others retain a guru, I sought personal study of the vast array of esoteric, including the dark. My family is all light with Krishna ruling the household, but my resonance was different. Using the current astrological predicament, I've reflected intensely on my life and see that I was luckily divinely guided. Especially after studying the sephirot of the hermetic Qabalah, I feel the guidance with more intensity, like an HD television in my head as I read certain texts, or getting completely lost in meditation. Moreover, doing mantra is now Spirit invocation for me, where I have sought to learn the feeling sensation of different deities, guides, and ascended beings (my "team"), to help assist me on my path. I may be delusional, but I feel their presence and sometimes gain insight, dare I say visions. I've found that regardless what I do, intention and attention are the keys. My "team", including my beloved, are all simply inner reflections (permission slips) to help me recognize and become Higher Self. After all, the infinite complexity of creation that is feminine love is my heart space, and the ability to pin-point infinite masculine awareness using my Will is my head space. I am a microcosm of the macrocosm. As above, so below. As within, so without. I am the infinite having a limited expression. The Brahman expressing Atman. Nonetheless, how am I to use that expression? Only my infinite Self can decide that.
There's a reason why you've been intrigued with both the angelic and the macabre, despite any fears. You came onto this planet with an inner (g)nowing, which you have been attempting to make known. There's a reason why you couldn't sleep at night as a child, and would surround your bed with your army of stuffed animals. You (g)new something existed beyond the typical senses. You still love them, don't you. Because you know they've protected your heart for much of your life. They remind you of the way you're supposed to feel, the way you're supposed to love, as you walk through life. That's why you love animals.
You were a strange kid. Even at an early age, you would be able to look out into the world and know that humanity deserved better. You felt like you were born at the wrong time, that the current school/work system was but another form of slavery designed to keep people boxed and externally engaged, leaving the magickal and real inner world to be "just an imagination". Moreover, you've recognized corruption at an early age from every aspect of society, feeling that modernity was simply an attempt to keep turning a broken wheel. You know that a complete scratch of the current system is absolutely necessary, and you know that more now as someone in the legal system.
You're also someone whose never questioned divinity, regardless of whichever tradition. Growing up, you imagined playing with both Krishna and Jesus, but had your mind intentionally set on Shiva, the baddest of them all. Though you were told to choose by Christians to avoid a fiery inferno, you couldn't deny any and would rather choose the wrath. Again, that was in your formative years at such a young age, ready to sacrifice yourself due to your love of your blessed entities, for eternal damnation. These beings you praised were family to you and they still are. You know that now more than ever, they are not Gods and Goddesses begging your praise, but relatives whom you can dial anytime you need assistance. They love you too much to expect you to bow before them. They're here to help you recognize who you are and you've always known that. They are celestial beings, and I know you remember that x-files type dream you had as a child. That's why you're obsessed with the Pleiades, the root of all your ascended traditions. That's why you're obsessed with the feminine.
You chose to stand your own ground because you wanted a direct link to divinity, with no man standing between you and the Great Beyond. You practiced mantras in your early years, sought the blessings of Christ and the Angels in your elementary years, fell in love with an amethyst gemstone that you bought as a child not knowing its spiritual significance, practiced the occult as a young adult in choosing the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram over your traditional fire ritual (havan), attempted to understand the darker entities from a loving perspective because you loved them too, and now you seek your true Self expression. Kudos! You are to conclude your formative process and be the light you were meant to be, for those ready to transmute darkness.
Do you know why you've always loved the heavy sound of American made motorcycles, akin only to your love of heavily distorted guitars attempting to raise the holder of light from the depths of darkness? You know he is there so that it doesn't get too dark down there. Do you know why you drop a tear every time you hear the angelic finger bends of Hendrix's "All along the watchtower" and feel that inner tickle on the sides of your head? Do you know why you chose Crowley/Blavatsky over Swami Prabhupada, but realize bhakti is necessary for individuals to open their heart chakra, to heal from all the heartache in the world? Do you know why you chose the hidden, the occult, the yin, and dived in knowing the psychological/physical turmoil you are putting yourself through? You are determined to know all, like Ishtar who descended into Hell. You've chosen an adventurously dangerous route to flash-forward to completion, in the way a Goddess has done, stripping yourself nude regardless of your attached adornments.
You have used tradition to fight tradition in order to forge your own path, in honor of your Sagittarius Sun, the light you shine into the world. You have sought many teachers and teachings without prejudice, searching for Truth that just feels right. You've let your insight be the governance of your spirituality and you have been blessed so. You are they synthesis of the light and dark, yang and yin, masculine and feminine. You are a beautiful expression of the infinite, the all that is, which is easily sourced from within you, my little microcosm. You Are The Dance Of The Cosmic Mirror!
Recognize that you are the rebel. Recognize that you are great in your feats and your team applauds you. Recognize who you are within. What could that actually be? I'll tell you! Who you are within, can be nothing short, but a bad-ass-mother-fucker!
-Higher Self & Team
Above is the gist of what I've been able to gather from my meditations, which is my invocation of Higher Consciousness and lingering within Awareness (Self) to obtain information. Fuck it, I'll admit that I'm a baby channeler. I've spent the last two plus years resolving past issues and attachments, all of them, regardless of traumatic measurement. I seek to be karmically free from myself as well as societal/traditional/religious/cultural definitions that do not fit my soul resonance. To be a free and unlimited expression, not bound nor attached to the grand play we call life, but nonetheless capable of manifesting my Heart's desire using my Will. To be a Kumari, always the enjoy-er, but never the enjoyed. ("virgin": Definition by Jaideva Singh; Siva Sutras).
The above expression was also previously expressed to me by an intuitive I visited in Sedona. She simply expressed that I had two sides, one conservative suit-and-tie, the other being "freak". Nonetheless, she emphasized that Spirit was really applauding, and I mean "really" applauding my "freak" side. Though I'm still attempting to step into the shoes of my Higher Self, at least I now have a picture of what that may become. It's interesting to note, that Higher Self is really expressing your highest passions and joy, for the Universe is on our side. The divine ones of our traditions want nothing more than for us to awaken our heart (Cups), the divine feminine, through our Will (Wands), the divine masculine. To live a heart based reality, to bridge heaven on earth, spirit with matter.
However, embodying as such is difficult living in our unnatural society. If I am rejected for being normal, imagine then my black moon affliction, which has placed significant fear on being the real me, the "freak". Feeling lost and just wanting to be liberated from the hell of an illusion I've manifested, I'm left heartsick and just wanting to be free. To return home where I can feel natural again. Nonetheless, the Universe herself answered my plight by sending me two messenger pigeons, one this last Thursday and one yesterday. Unlike the last eight (8) years of living at my residence, I never had a pigeon outright hang out with me on my balcony. Moreover, there was no fear, where the pigeon just checked me out. The little birdie actually gave me an up-and-down look like "who is this guy?". With excitement, I ran to Ted Andrews, Animal-Speak to discover any symbolism. I was baffled to read "pigeons can teach us how to find our way back when we are lost".. they are "symbols for a time or a need to return to the security of home".
As I was sitting in my chair attempting to simmer down a day of drafting repetitive documents, I took a few moments to pop into no-mind to take a mental breather. I started getting a bit too relaxed, but felt the flutters of air flying around my cheek. Far from being a completely still practitioner, I took the opportunity to divulge the moth.
For some reason, I was elated that the moth came to visit me. Maybe because I see the moth as a species that has to endure a transformation process from the cocoon in order to fly into the world. A symbolical metamorphosis that may symbolically hold personal meaning. Nonetheless, for some reason I mentally spoke with the moth. Out of all the things to discuss, I chose my happiest moment of that day.
My boss' wife had brought their family dog to work. Leaving my no-mind meditation, I had a full on conversation with the moth about the excitement that I had playing with that puppy. That puppy not only would consistently visit my office to get a quick pet rub, but would sit by my feet.
After the moth tickled off, I went back into my meditation. I wasn't able to no-mind it for long, as thoughts of "you just had a conversation with an insect" would creep within. Of course I had to provide that thought with tea, not only did I have a conversation with that insect, but I told it about playing with a puppy earlier.
Yes, I have officially lost it, and I'm hoping there's some sort of Zen meaning behind this experience, which hopefully leads to something other than "what the fuck is wrong with me". But then again, what if that insect heard me? I mean, I really did feel like we were having a conversation, though mentally. What am I to that insect?
I had a Carl Jung moment, when as a child, he questioned a stone that he was sitting on, "Am I the one who is sitting on the stone, or am I the stone on which he is sitting?". That was the question that led him on an attempt to discover the nature of consciousness. Though I may not be Carl Jung, I probably need to figure out my life, if playing with that puppy was the highlight of my day. Then again, what am I to that puppy?
When I meditate, I try to invoke the divine apsect of my choice. Practicing Advaita Vedanta, that choice has been "Shiva", or "Awareness". The "awareness" that arises being in a place of stillness, of no thought, is my attempt to become Lord Shiva, the master of consciousness. Lingering in this state of mind, with Mt. Kailash (stillness) under me, my emotions-thoughts (moon) under control, resting in the purity flowing through me (Ganga), fully in awareness of the three states of consciousness (Trishul: Awake, Sleep, Deep Sleep), is my third-eye open (Shiva), and my chaotic heart (Kali/Dark Nature) content (Parvati/Light Nature). That is when I am awake, aroused, and in love (Shiva-Lingam/Shakti-Yoni). My ego is left as a corpse (shava), as I engage my Higher Self (Shiva/Awareness).
Tapping into my inner divinity, I'm left slightly on the arrogant tip. I'm awake, aroused, and ready to conquer my hearts desire. That is to walk like a God/Goddess among Men/Women. To walk in Dharma, the way Krishna played through his many philosophical adventures. And so I said to myself,
"Let's see, what shall I do first? Ahhh, let me see if there is a female equivalent that I may walk this path with. Wait, there she is! However, she's made me suffer in waiting for her. Though the suffering was necessary, to relinquish from my ego-identity that which does not serve the "all that is", I'm still a bit heart-broken and would like to see her struggle a little bit."
Yeah, lets just say that was a major fuck-up to challenge the Goddess, especially when my attachment is to Kali. Kali is the one that doesn't waste time and get's to the point. Yes, she yelled at me, and it wasn't fun. But you know what?
She's cute when she's angry!
Correct Thought (Sangha)
Nonetheless, she is my teacher, my gu-ru, my destroyer of ignorance. I had to learn what she needed to teach me. So place yourself in the position of an Indian child getting yelled at by angry Indian Mother. Multiply that sensation a couple hundred times. It would be like sitting in the middle of an amphitheater within your head, and you're sitting in the chair of your pineal gland. She's scary, and she basically told me the difficulty my ego will have to face to come even close to Her. She basically yelled,
"Are you fucking kidding me? I have to "struggle" to get to little ole you? Do you realize the significance, the strength required to step into the shoes that you're attempting? I am the feminine infinite complexity that encompasses your entire field of "awareness". I am the illusion, and I the one to liberate you from the illusion by slicing your ego. I am the yin and your yang is merely a corpse without me. It is through your desire for me that your yang is awakened, not vice-versa. I am that desire, and I am fulfillment of that desire. And when you're actually/really awakened...oh you will see what will be required of you, to be the divine masculine (Shiva/Awareness). You are to infuse me, the divine feminine (love) with you (awareness). To do that, you would have to be in-love with all that which you are aware of, the light and the dark. After all, it's all just our story, our play (Lila). Don't you realize that's why we're praised by the saints (Devas) and the sinners (Asuras). My love, don't you know that we are the Cosmos."
Yep, leave it to a women to always put me in my place. Nonetheless, I'm in love with Her and wouldn't have it any other way. I'm elated I'm one-step closer to fully-being with Her. Now to shine bright like a lemurian quartz crystal.
Sati is practice in Hinduism (not by the ancients), where a widow will place herself within the funeral pyre of her beloved. Though a violent practice that has been dogmatically followed, it nonetheless holds some deep philosophical truths that I have not seen expressed anywhere else.
Sati was not an ancient Hindu practice, but seems to begin at the time of Islamic invaders. The conquering Muslims would invade kingdoms and ask for two things: 1) the temples; and 2) the women. Credit given to these women, they took their lives as opposed to serving a foreign family and a foreign god. Nonetheless, the painful tradition carried on due to harsh patriarchal influences.
In the ancient stories, Shiva is the original masculine. Defined in the ancient tantras as "awareness", Shiva is the bridge between the Para-Brahman "non-awareness" reality, and the material world of samsara. His consort is Shakti, the energy which creates the fabric of space and time for the material world to exist. She is defined in the ancient tantras as "witness" as she is the ability to create linearity and thus, our story-line. From Shakti is the Universe/World created. Because the Universe is her offspring, she also had to dive-in with her children and get lost in samsara, for the sake of saving her children.
Against her father's wishes, Sati comes across Shiva and is completely enamored, I mean love-struck. From here we get the story of Sati's emotional battle between her romantic appeal Shiva and her father Daksha. With Daksha, she is to be the proper daughter as propagated by Brahmanic culture. With Shiva, to be with Shiva, she is to move beyond the cultural norms to recognize her true potential as Shakti, which may includes anti-Brahmanic practices including the panchamakarmas. Nonetheless, to recognize her essence as Shakti, she needed to move beyond the ego identity. However, Sati's situation was too dense where, because of her father's opposition to Shiva, she sacrificed her ego-identity with her inner-fire. Hence, to liberate herself she realized that her ego-identity must be subdued, which would have caused numerous cultural difficulties being the daughter of the propagated of the first three Vedas. She can be either of the world (ego) and provide cultural governance, or she can be the infinite (Self) recognizing that one too must be liberated from the world, from culture.
Overly educated and continuously exploring and revealing more behind the veil.
"It cannot be too highly emphasized that the mystic swims in the same waters in which the psychotic drowns."
-James Wasserman, The Mystery Traditions