Ego v Goddess
When I meditate, I try to invoke the divine apsect of my choice. Practicing Advaita Vedanta, that choice has been "Shiva", or "Awareness". The "awareness" that arises being in a place of stillness, of no thought, is my attempt to become Lord Shiva, the master of consciousness. Lingering in this state of mind, with Mt. Kailash (stillness) under me, my emotions-thoughts (moon) under control, resting in the purity flowing through me (Ganga), fully in awareness of the three states of consciousness (Trishul: Awake, Sleep, Deep Sleep), is my third-eye open (Shiva), and my chaotic heart (Kali/Dark Nature) content (Parvati/Light Nature). That is when I am awake, aroused, and in love (Shiva-Lingam/Shakti-Yoni). My ego is left as a corpse (shava), as I engage my Higher Self (Shiva/Awareness).
Tapping into my inner divinity, I'm left slightly on the arrogant tip. I'm awake, aroused, and ready to conquer my hearts desire. That is to walk like a God/Goddess among Men/Women. To walk in Dharma, the way Krishna played through his many philosophical adventures. And so I said to myself,
"Let's see, what shall I do first? Ahhh, let me see if there is a female equivalent that I may walk this path with. Wait, there she is! However, she's made me suffer in waiting for her. Though the suffering was necessary, to relinquish from my ego-identity that which does not serve the "all that is", I'm still a bit heart-broken and would like to see her struggle a little bit."
Yeah, lets just say that was a major fuck-up to challenge the Goddess, especially when my attachment is to Kali. Kali is the one that doesn't waste time and get's to the point. Yes, she yelled at me, and it wasn't fun. But you know what?
She's cute when she's angry!
Correct Thought (Sangha)
Nonetheless, she is my teacher, my gu-ru, my destroyer of ignorance. I had to learn what she needed to teach me. So place yourself in the position of an Indian child getting yelled at by angry Indian Mother. Multiply that sensation a couple hundred times. It would be like sitting in the middle of an amphitheater within your head, and you're sitting in the chair of your pineal gland. She's scary, and she basically told me the difficulty my ego will have to face to come even close to Her. She basically yelled,
"Are you fucking kidding me? I have to "struggle" to get to little ole you? Do you realize the significance, the strength required to step into the shoes that you're attempting? I am the feminine infinite complexity that encompasses your entire field of "awareness". I am the illusion, and I the one to liberate you from the illusion by slicing your ego. I am the yin and your yang is merely a corpse without me. It is through your desire for me that your yang is awakened, not vice-versa. I am that desire, and I am fulfillment of that desire. And when you're actually/really awakened...oh you will see what will be required of you, to be the divine masculine (Shiva/Awareness). You are to infuse me, the divine feminine (love) with you (awareness). To do that, you would have to be in-love with all that which you are aware of, the light and the dark. After all, it's all just our story, our play (Lila). Don't you realize that's why we're praised by the saints (Devas) and the sinners (Asuras). My love, don't you know that we are the Cosmos."
Yep, leave it to a women to always put me in my place. Nonetheless, I'm in love with Her and wouldn't have it any other way. I'm elated I'm one-step closer to fully-being with Her. Now to shine bright like a lemurian quartz crystal.
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Overly educated and continuously exploring and revealing more behind the veil.
"It cannot be too highly emphasized that the mystic swims in the same waters in which the psychotic drowns."
-James Wasserman, The Mystery Traditions