Though I've been emotionally clear of the numerous catalytic events sprouting as we close 2-0-1-6-, the numerological number nine (9) year of closure, the most recent events of the Dakota Access Pipeline protests, reminiscent of our violent histories consisting of colonial versus indigenous peoples, left me asking where is Spirit to protect those that have been chosen to protect.
Just as my ancestors have the Cow to represent the nourishing aspect of the divine feminine, and the Egyptians have Hathor whose calf horns protect us from the burning Sun who was saddened by the state of humanity, the Lakota hold the traditions of the sacred White Buffalo Calf Woman. To build that common ancestral connection, is to connect the neural pathways that spark that intuitive connection relating in all of our stories. Our heritages, our cultural beliefs, are all meant to preserve humanity for coming generations.
Feeling hopeless with militia looking planet scavengers facing weaponless groups of historically oppressed peoples who have been minimized or written-out of our history books, the fiery passion of anger flared within me with a sense of lack of security for the future generations. In complete sensory overload contemplating the latest violent eruption and ongoing nighttime violations of almost every code of war, I asked the Divine how I may best serve those protecting the element of purity, the great natural cleanser that washes our body and baptizes our soul. Though the psychic battle cries were heard, visions of drums heart-beating from the center of Standing Rock were shown, not just echoing into the nearby camp, but throughout the world as we all share, break, and purge the pain of these catalytic moments.
Why this horrendous act of repetitive history? For the world to remember human histories that have been distorted and embellished from our minds, from our memory cells, from our DNA. Not to return the dying world of manipulative colonial greed with the same bullets of fear, but to recognize that we need to hold our own vibration. Fighting fire with fire only creates a lineage, as our business dealings with the Middle East have continually shown us.
As my ancestral India has shown the world how the power of human spirit collectively can overthrow an empire, so our human spirit, our true self and its connection to all, needs to be realized. Here I sit requesting the blessings of the White Buffalo Calf Woman to show me how to assist her, to assist those that protect our memories to our original harmonious way of life. Under her veil, I realized our Spirit is providing much more than what we can imagine, as Spirit wakes up in each and every one of us.
As we protect, learn, love, and grow from the lessons we learn from our history, the future will prevail.
That is my prayer to Grandmother Spirit.
I've been spending more time meditating, seems appropriate given the current political climate with opposing sides clashing every which way. Given certain calms and imaginings that spring from within, it's like an exercise where I'm trying to strengthen my ability to be aware of intangible realms, and request some form of healing. I've recently had an interesting meet and greet with Chinnamasta that I had hoped to strengthen through continuous use of her mantra. However, as I proceeded to invoke her imaginings last night, in the middle of moving through my japa beads, my mind made the gradual shift to another Mahavidya in which I remember in very little detail. Ma Dhumavati's mantra is very simple and mainly consists of her name. Hence, if you can remember her name, you'll most likely remember her mantra after seeing it once.
Slightly over a month ago, I took a short trip to the legendary Mt. Shasta, which had all sorts of obvious oddities occur unlike my prior trips. On the second night, before getting some shut-eye, I had taken out my copper yantra dedicated to the 10 Mahavidyas and lit a candle to watch over me as I slept. Given that our rental was very close to a late 1800's cemetery, the fear of beings messing with my slumber arose, where the copper yantra was enough to subdue such worries. While still adjusting myself to call it a night, I had the image of a decrepit elderly white woman with frizzy white hair pop into my mind, almost like a character from a zombie flick, but not as macabre. At first I brushed the image away as my imagination, but the image arose immediately afterwards, which engaged my analytical mind. Was this someone that I had seen earlier or maybe this is a lost soul from the cemetery requesting my assistance? My mind quickly went through numerous ideas no matter how absurd, but I just as quickly brushed it off to rest for the night. In waking, I lingered in the comfort of my rest with my back towards the Mahavidya copper yantra that I had propped up. As my mind quickly adjusted itself to my surroundings, I felt as if someone was standing behind me. That "presence" then rushed itself closer to me to the point where I felt like it plugged itself into me from behind me. Immediately, my sympathetic nervous system chose to mentally fight. I cursed this thing, this sensation moving inside me to damnation reminiscent of my Christian education upbringing. In my short battle, I heard numerous masculine and feminine voices speaking in strange tongues, and felt light glowing at my crown as I was lulled into my old enemy, sleep paralysis.
I've experienced sleep paralysis quite a bit in my life, particularly in my pre-adult years. There is one I remember in particular around my high school years. After a nap, my eyes and consciousness were awake to my room, but I couldn't twitch a muscle. Realizing that I was under paralysis, you basically tell yourself to wake up and move until you are able. In that process, I immediately felt a breathe on my neck with a subtle growl that grew louder as I focused my awareness on it. Again, fight or flight, where you fight for the ability to move and wake up out of the paralysis. At this time, I developed the opinion that sleep paralysis was simply the in-between state of the astral plane and physical reality. Hence, I was still dreaming and dreams were just dreams for me then.
After my recent Mt. Shasta incident, I kept that experience in mind and related that experience to my high school sleep-paralysis experience relayed above. As odd as this experience was, it was not the most odd event to occur on this trip, but that maybe another story. In understanding sleep paralysis, I remember a course called "Visions of the Sacred" in my early college years, where certain traditions associate sleep paralysis with an "old hag" that would paralyze a sleeping individual by sitting on his/her chest. This "old hag" carried vampiric succubus qualities that would feast on the victims energy. The correlation between the "old hag" and my "decrepit elderly white woman" image was too outstanding.
For all my reasoning, I could not portray this "old hag" visit as negative, though it was a frightening experience. My logic took me through an analysis: first showing me that the Mahavidyas were watching over me as the copper yantra was nearby; second, that given my association with Ma Kali I'm assuming that lower entities would not mess with me; and third, I also would not expect harmful entities to approach me when I had a few high vibrational gemstones around me. But still couldn't conjure an answer. Could this be something trying to reach out to me for assistance? Or, could this be a teacher given that the internal experience after plugging inside me was surreal?
This bout of sleep paralysis wasn't even my most recent, where I similarly had an experience last week. While coming out of sleep and jumping into paralysis, I felt as though something was trying to grab me and pick me up. I shook myself to the fully awakened state, and simply grunted, "fuck, again!". Though no visuals, there was still something about this "old hag" that just stuck with me believing it to have returned, but I couldn't settle on a reason. I had asked myself if she was a Mahavidya, but when I looked through my books, there were no images of an elderly frail woman. I know I have seen a form of the Indian Devi as a fierce elderly figure, but brushed it off as either a village Goddess, or a destructive Matrika (Mother) entity.
Going back to my meditation, as I honed in on the reverberations of Dhumavati's mantra, I immediately noticed the difference between Chinnamasta and Dhumavati. Chinnamasta was solid though decapitated, where you feel grounded in your body with the ability to be aware outside of your body. Dhumavati was more tied to the soul realm, where I was awareness not attached to a body. In fact, I appeared to be above the physical realm in this gloomy area looking down into the physical realm. In order not to confuse with the Atman/Spirit, this felt more like ghosts, or what we call fucking Bhoot.
As a child, I was really frightened of the dark, because I always felt there was something lurking and watching. Despite my utter fascination with the paranormal, these fears were hard to conquer, which I am confident to admit knowing that many share the same phobia. However, such fears have been drastically minimized due to my practice and acquaintance with Ma Kali. Seeing the "old hag" in Mt. Shasta, even just in my head, was unsettling. However, I was equipped with the ability to not let my fears pull me down. In my meditation, I felt the rush of fear as if knowing something frightening was about to be revealed, but I wasn't about to turn back. There she was, an old decrepit fierce woman, where in forgetting the mantra my mouth was uttering, I calmly paid attention to my fear. It was like the sensation of "oh, shit!", as I thought to myself, am I going to finally face one of my greatest childhood fears. Fear is always the opposite end of the spectrum where one should linger. It is the real root of all evil. And here I was.
In facing this "old hag", luckily the mantra to Ma Dhumavati was still being uttered, as I quickly remembered who I was attempting to contact. As a Mahavidya, I simply looked at her and realized she was just another form of my beloved Ma Kali. With the sensation of a child realizing that it is his mother behind a Halloween mask, I ran up to her and said "I know you are Ma, you can't scare me". I looked at her with the love as in the way a child looks at his/her mother with my arms thrown in the air expecting her to pick me up. I was held in her arms, fully protected from everything she was to show me. She showed me outside of myself, outside of the colorful existence that we call reality, to a gloomy realm a few notches above the physical reality where ghosts seemed to have their play. Though I wasn't much interested in the ghosts, I focused on the numerous layered realms that were above the visual Ma Dhumavati was showing me. It was expansive to see that there are other layers to what we perceive and to look down from this gloomy realm into the colorful physical reality. As it was most likely to release some fears, I was only able to quickly grasp a few moments before the imaginings quickly dissolved.
After meditation, I returned to my books and online images to re-discover Ma Dhumavati. Though I was more familiar with the "smoky image" shown above, Ma Dhumavati is associated with the elderly form of Kali, the "old hag". No doubt from my expression above, I felt her as Ma Kali more so than Tara and Chinnamasta. Dr. David Frawley defines her as the "Grandmother Spirit", or the ancestral guide to the Goddesses in his Tantric Yoga and the Wisdom Goddesses. He further describes her as the "smoky one" where she obscures one thing to reveal another, like how she obscured physical reality for me to reveal something on the other side. She is the primordial energy before creation, Shakti before Shiva, where she exists as pure potential. Hence, she is considered to be the void. She is not revealed in the ordinary world, but exists in the background like a smoke screen.
With Ma Dhumavati, I feel blessed for the opportunity to be given a glimpse of what is behind the smoke screen. Moreover, I'm really realizing that there is more truth hidden within us, for those daring enough to seek for it.
Chinnamasta on the other hand, because I'm fairly new to her essence, I didn't know what to expect or how I would be internally triggered. Allowing her mantra to reverberate throughout my 12 chakra system, beginning from bottom upwards, I dissolved into her being one fateful night. Not knowing what was to come, along with the inability to actually imagine her as a real being given that she is decapitated, I thought I wasn't going to be able to experience her. She seemed unreal, like who goes around walking without a head. Hell, if it wasn't for Ma Kali, I'm not sure I would even invoke such a being out of fear. Not sure if it was due to my work with Ma Kali, but unlike Ma Kali and Ma Tara, Chinnamasta did not hold that terrifyingly terrific passionate flare. Actually, she may have, I could be just simply accustomed to it and look forward to the fiery spinal thrusts of dissolving my atomic structure.
Going up my chakras and allowing the seeds of mantra to expand my inner feeling, I wasn't expecting to see much but rather just linger in the intensity. However, once at the throat chakra, where judgment resides in search for the truth, I noticed that my head wasn't quite attached. In fact, my head was resting tilted upwards on my hands with my outstretched arm as if decapitated, with my mouth gaping wide open filling with Sushumna nectar. Moreover, I didn't just have one head, I had three, with my two other heads similarly placed in what I assumed to be my many arms. Similarly, the two heads drank of the Ida and Pingala Nadi's, the feminine and masculine psyche. At this point, I'm focusing on my head, which is quite not attached to my body, where I'm aware of the Kundalini flows into my three mouths. Not wanting my body to be left behind with the spiritual experience, I noticed that I held the ability to reverse the flow, where the channels would flow out of my mouth with a rush downwards into my body.
Moving into my crown, and into what could be higher with four remaining chakras above, I allowed my body to internally adjust itself, particularly in the cranial cavity where the right hemisphere (left side of the body) needed to relax and match the right hemisphere (left side of the body). Once balanced, I felt whole and complete within myself. No where left to run to with all my spiritual practices, no more mantras or other permission slips, just fully relaxed in either the sensation of holding infinity or within my own ego-self, it didn't matter what I chose as it was all perfect. It was my self-sacrifice that allowed my ego-self to surrender, but it was a surrender filled with the sensation of strength. Further, by seeing myself from the decapitated heads peering at my animal body, such only added credence to the idea that consciousness is not tied to the body, that what we deem to be our spirit is only awareness.
Again, I knew not what to expect and sure wasn't thinking I'd morph into this sensational experience. I guess I assumed there would be messages, but then what would a decapitated Goddess say? That won't stop me from trying, but at least I now feel she's willing to assist me. I may be pursuing her out of sheer curiosity, feeling safe guarded with Ma Kali's blessings. But I can't quite feel the emotional heart chakra expansion with her in comparison with Ma Kali. However, I can't feel that love with Ma Tara yet either. Nonetheless, I'll accept her wonderful blessing of a balanced healing knowing that it's all leading towards a bigger picture, one that I cannot currently fathom.
On this blessed 11:11, I sat meditating on my balcony soaking the warmth of the radiant sun. For me, when I'm able to relax into the intensity of the heat, I feel like I'm being slowly warmed into relaxation. It's an excellent feel to get in deeper, get the thoughts to quiet especially after the wonderful catalyst of an election where a loud mouth neanderthal (fear no logic) outwit the most dangerous gang on the planet (fear with logic), I was subdued into recognizing how far it is that I have come internally.
From my personal catalysts triggering in early 2014, I was led down a road around heavily seeking the real power we hold within, the good esoteric stuff filled with tantric fokelore. I had time on my hands, and I really wanted to shift my life in a different direction. I didn't conceive then what that might entail, the psychological dissection moving me in every which bi-polar way, into what seems to never-ending bursts of bliss to spiraling fathoms of doubt. Strapped with a few gemstones, tantric mantras (Matra/Padmasambhava), a wealth of knowledge from years of intense reading birthing from childhood, and the use of taoist breathing techniques, I purged and damn did I purge!
While on my balcony, I recognized where I was then, to where I am now with the ability to tap into mindful and no-mind bliss. To be in this state, is really to have released enough attachments to recognize the still of the mind. These attachments are a constant adornment from what we perceive with our senses, to what we use to dull our senses, where many just never think to quietly subdue our senses. Anything triggered is really something up to be purged, which I now leave to drift into an imaginative flower to be removed from my personal space, psychic ninja style. Given that I have been doing this long enough, I am not so much triggered by the occurrences of the physical world. Being an empath, empathy still illogically rules me even when I have no comprehension why, I can at least stay quiet now, present to the blissful vibrantly colorful moment. Moreover, much of what use to trigger me, is now blissfully quiet. My waters prefer stillness.
This past few days have been another story. Post the apocalyptic election, I have been triggered, not by the election result which actually worked out in my favor in preferring the quickest catalyst, but by the turmoil resulting where the masses have been instantly affected by something solely perceived through media sources. Many of us will not see these politicians in the flesh, but the reality show of advanced politics caused a raucous showing how easy it is for the elite to affect our vibration, feeling, beliefs, actions. Hence, the reason why of the possibility of the Caucasian George Soros funding the Black Lives Matter movement. It's just advanced politics, how easy it is for the elite to move the pawn pieces. It's all in the media, filling up the masses field of awareness, there is no other way to think for those drunk on this illusory heroine. I was triggered by the fact that my people, my loved ones, simply fell for it! They lowered their vibration in this pivotal time of expansion. In them being triggered, I was also triggered, and realized, still more purging.
The sun is penetrating it's heat by now, I'm snapping in and out of thoughts in my attempt to clear them, I realized that my mouth was verbalizing a mantra to Cinnamasta seeking for wholeness, where Kali's presence was felt behind me. Here, I realized that the Feminine Divine that I have sought out had walked me through my path at each and every step, including the darkest of times. Having verbalized her mantric seeds, as I faced my shadows, fears, weaknesses, self-victimization to the point of blacking out being the only option, in her terrible form frightening away the greatest of tragedies, she let me know that she had my back more than I could imagine. Knowing her to be nothing less than the Queen of Wisdom, the sensation of confidence rushed me with an immediate kick of upliftment. It's not that I have to face my fears or go through trials and tribulations. Really, each moment is created for our best outcome. Each moment is created by our Higher Self, our own self, for the purpose of the wisdom that we seek within ourselves.
In my 31 years, I discovered a feeling vibrating from the Feminine Divine's words, an emotion of something I had been told about all my life from Hindus and Christians. A concept that has always alluded me in my seeking leaving me hypercritical of those who portrayed having it. It was simply faith. I discovered Faith as not something to believe in, but a wellspring that needs to sprout from within using experience. It seems faith is not up for logical dissection, but an intuitive harmony lighting the path.
Because of this feeling of faith, the triggers that arose in wishing to release the fears and anguish of humanity, especially of my loved ones, was released. I suddenly remembered that every one is connected with Higher Self with their lives also designed and crafted with such blessings regardless of holding faith. Everyone is on their own journey, and many need to traverse such triggers to be the Heroes of their stories. I needed to remember and have faith that all is crafted for the divine's delight, our divine comedy.
I continued to release the triggers to bask in the holy light of my conscious awareness, feeling the macrocosmic pull within the microcosmic design. If I can't have faith in myself yet still under the guise of duality believing the divine to be separate from me, then faith in an external divine is sufficient until source is completely driven from within. This 11:11 moment of manifestation, looking through my third-eye periscope beyond our advanced lesson in civil karma, I feel pretty damn good for what's about to come.
Last Diwali Eve, October 29, 2016, I met some of my sister's friends, one who had a daughter named Tara. As a fan of the tantric traditions, I glimmered in the simple fact of this little girl's name. The following morning of Diwali, by random chance I stumbled onto the history channel for an excerpt on the "Hill of Tara" located in Ireland. Later on that day, while driving to another relative's home, I came across a Cafe named "TaRa". Coincidence?
By this time, I'm freaking out with Tara showing up all over the place. It took a few days of ruminating before I decided that it was time to get re-acquainted with her again. Though the Mahavidya Tara would show up in my studies, I never spent time with her mantra, or in other words, I haven't yet gotten to know her. After glancing through prior books again for a quick reminder, I picked up my Tibetan Smokey Quartz and a copper Yantra dedicated for all of the Mahavidyas and got to work using the Mahavidya Tara mantra.
Though a short mantra, it was difficult for my mind to retain. Moreover, quite a bit of blockages, or bodily tensions would arise begging for my attention. The Tibetan Tara is quite comforting and compassionate, where the Mahavidya is another vicious Kali. Entering into deep relaxation, imagining myself completely empty surrounded by darkness at the cremation grounds, basically dead with no care of the vultures feasting on my fears, and after a few moments, I felt that her presence was near. Because of my experience with Kali, when I felt Tara's presence with her scissors ready to similarly cut my head off, that's when the fear left and I galloped into her arms like a child seeing his mother. Calmly and lovingly I realized, I no longer have any fears when it comes to the Terribly Terrific forms of the Goddess, for I am loved.
Tara is one badass energy, which brought back that spark of "holy shit" to my meditation. More and more I'm feeling completely blessed on where my spiritual path has taken me, and feel that it's pushing me into a life with divine purpose, though not clear on what that is yet. I've proven something to myself, and I can only hope for more. I've always felt a bit misanthropic and now, as my meditations get deeper, it's harder to relate even more to most individuals that I come across. There's something so much more powerful that lurks within us, however, we have constantly given our strength away to Priests, Teachers, Doctors, and these Politicians. Something is awakening within us, beckoning us to reach for more beyond our 3rd dimensional illusions, for those willing.
In a world crying over the loss of the Rothschild Hillary to the David Duke Trump, I can only feel more Self-Empowered!
P.S. If I were to actually cast a vote, it would probably be for this "Nasty Woman".
Diwali night, October, 30, 2016, I left my night time meditation to sleep telling myself, "holy shit, you've just got a massive upgrade". I was left in awe and the knowing that nothing will be the same. I know my meditation has been more expansive, but to bridge the two worlds, of the seen with the unseen, it appears to be a pioneering experience for me.
It's Diwali, we have the abundant materialist Lakshmi who is honored and praised in this tradition, to attract the fortunes available in the new year. As a devotee of Kali, I would like to transcend such attachments, but realizing her manifestations as Sodashi, or Kamala, the wisdom of the universe is beautifully abundantly there for our enjoyment. Nonetheless, after leaving the parental households of numerous relatives all paying homage to Lakshmi, I returned home to meditate holding a copper blessed yantra dedicated to the Mahavidyas, including the Lakshmi twin Kamala.
Immediately drawn within with the help of my guides, my channels are flowing, and my mind is tied to the mantra vibrating from my third-eye as the vibrations echo through my body. As I pause to move into a state of being of no-thought to feel the connection between my crown and to a place beyond creation, I'm immediately slammed into a wave that forces my body to convulse. Lingering here, I'm immediately noticing the subtle sounds of my surroundings with no mental interpretations. My inner body is clear which can only be described as oxygen entering into new areas of my body, from my lower pubic area to my forehead. My skull is struggling to hold the energy within my head, as my body is stretching, spine cracking, muscles releasing, the only thing I can do is to relax into myself. As anxiety and stress is flushed down my grounding cord from my root chakra to the center of the Earth, I finally feel like myself, unbound by the external worlds wants and demands.
In my own psyche, I needed to forgive the worst of the worst, but first I needed to realize who that may be for myself. If Showtimes "Dexter" taught me anything, it was to enter the mind of a feeling-less sociopath and see life through a serial killer's perspective. "Dexter" is a show that leaves you supporting the serial killer, who becomes somewhat relate-able as a good-guy character as he targets hard-criminals as a way to manage his "dark passenger". So typical murders may not be so bad for me, I wanted to realize who really I think is unforgivable. I realized, that it would be anyone who does something to criminally harm children. In embodying the Christ energy, I needed to ask myself the more difficult question, "what if I did something this heinous in a past life?". As the panic attack developed at this sheer idea, I realized I needed to heal those aspects of me.
In remembering the love of Christ, I felt his pain and humiliation on the Cross as I looked out at the shouting audience wishing his ultimate demise. As a God, I assumed Jesus could easily detach from his pain, the way yogis and taoists detach from their senses. Jesus could have been completely detached, the way we go into no-mind under meditation or hypnosis, but he remained present to experience the pain for the benefit of his accusatory viewers.
I asked myself, how would Christ's suffering benefit his viewers? Immediately I was in the position of shouting profanities and the worst hells upon a fragile tearful figure spread out on the Cross. In that fury, I heard the Christ mumble, "Father forgive them". In that glow, I realized despite what I did to what appeared to me to be another flawed human being, that figure still loved me enough to have asked to have me forgiven.
All the while moving through this, the mantra to Goddess Kali was being vibrated and echoed through my inner caverns. The worst of the worst all have one thing in common, fear. They work from a place of fear, instill fear, and find power through fear. The Goddess Kali has always been portrayed in a very fearful aspect, one that is suited to Halloween, which was the following day of October 31, 2016. In attempting to unite with Her, in her fearful form, I realized my own fears in doing so. In other words, She was my Goddess of Fear. In helping me with my fears and bridging love into parts of me I deem unforgivable, I needed to fall in love with the Goddess of Fear. The one thing more fearful than being a victim of heinous criminal acts would be to commit the heinous criminal act. But we need to recognize the wisdom of those circumstances, such as the wisdom gained from the act of the Christ Crucifixion, which is to completely love and forgive others and our own selves.
Thereafter, the meditation concluded by seeing myself seated in lotus position in the center of an ancient court surrounded by the 10 Mahavidyas, all showering their blessings on me. However, it's not that we were separate, but we were all one. I could feel them outside me as I get to admire them, but I also felt them inside me, as me. As Tara I would feel fierce, as Sodashi I would be a teenage girl ready to rebel and forge my way into adulthood, as Chinnamasta I would feel balanced within, and so forth.
Overly educated and continuously exploring and revealing more behind the veil.
"It cannot be too highly emphasized that the mystic swims in the same waters in which the psychotic drowns."
-James Wasserman, The Mystery Traditions