Diwali night, October, 30, 2016, I left my night time meditation to sleep telling myself, "holy shit, you've just got a massive upgrade". I was left in awe and the knowing that nothing will be the same. I know my meditation has been more expansive, but to bridge the two worlds, of the seen with the unseen, it appears to be a pioneering experience for me.
It's Diwali, we have the abundant materialist Lakshmi who is honored and praised in this tradition, to attract the fortunes available in the new year. As a devotee of Kali, I would like to transcend such attachments, but realizing her manifestations as Sodashi, or Kamala, the wisdom of the universe is beautifully abundantly there for our enjoyment. Nonetheless, after leaving the parental households of numerous relatives all paying homage to Lakshmi, I returned home to meditate holding a copper blessed yantra dedicated to the Mahavidyas, including the Lakshmi twin Kamala.
Immediately drawn within with the help of my guides, my channels are flowing, and my mind is tied to the mantra vibrating from my third-eye as the vibrations echo through my body. As I pause to move into a state of being of no-thought to feel the connection between my crown and to a place beyond creation, I'm immediately slammed into a wave that forces my body to convulse. Lingering here, I'm immediately noticing the subtle sounds of my surroundings with no mental interpretations. My inner body is clear which can only be described as oxygen entering into new areas of my body, from my lower pubic area to my forehead. My skull is struggling to hold the energy within my head, as my body is stretching, spine cracking, muscles releasing, the only thing I can do is to relax into myself. As anxiety and stress is flushed down my grounding cord from my root chakra to the center of the Earth, I finally feel like myself, unbound by the external worlds wants and demands.
In my own psyche, I needed to forgive the worst of the worst, but first I needed to realize who that may be for myself. If Showtimes "Dexter" taught me anything, it was to enter the mind of a feeling-less sociopath and see life through a serial killer's perspective. "Dexter" is a show that leaves you supporting the serial killer, who becomes somewhat relate-able as a good-guy character as he targets hard-criminals as a way to manage his "dark passenger". So typical murders may not be so bad for me, I wanted to realize who really I think is unforgivable. I realized, that it would be anyone who does something to criminally harm children. In embodying the Christ energy, I needed to ask myself the more difficult question, "what if I did something this heinous in a past life?". As the panic attack developed at this sheer idea, I realized I needed to heal those aspects of me.
In remembering the love of Christ, I felt his pain and humiliation on the Cross as I looked out at the shouting audience wishing his ultimate demise. As a God, I assumed Jesus could easily detach from his pain, the way yogis and taoists detach from their senses. Jesus could have been completely detached, the way we go into no-mind under meditation or hypnosis, but he remained present to experience the pain for the benefit of his accusatory viewers.
I asked myself, how would Christ's suffering benefit his viewers? Immediately I was in the position of shouting profanities and the worst hells upon a fragile tearful figure spread out on the Cross. In that fury, I heard the Christ mumble, "Father forgive them". In that glow, I realized despite what I did to what appeared to me to be another flawed human being, that figure still loved me enough to have asked to have me forgiven.
All the while moving through this, the mantra to Goddess Kali was being vibrated and echoed through my inner caverns. The worst of the worst all have one thing in common, fear. They work from a place of fear, instill fear, and find power through fear. The Goddess Kali has always been portrayed in a very fearful aspect, one that is suited to Halloween, which was the following day of October 31, 2016. In attempting to unite with Her, in her fearful form, I realized my own fears in doing so. In other words, She was my Goddess of Fear. In helping me with my fears and bridging love into parts of me I deem unforgivable, I needed to fall in love with the Goddess of Fear. The one thing more fearful than being a victim of heinous criminal acts would be to commit the heinous criminal act. But we need to recognize the wisdom of those circumstances, such as the wisdom gained from the act of the Christ Crucifixion, which is to completely love and forgive others and our own selves.
Thereafter, the meditation concluded by seeing myself seated in lotus position in the center of an ancient court surrounded by the 10 Mahavidyas, all showering their blessings on me. However, it's not that we were separate, but we were all one. I could feel them outside me as I get to admire them, but I also felt them inside me, as me. As Tara I would feel fierce, as Sodashi I would be a teenage girl ready to rebel and forge my way into adulthood, as Chinnamasta I would feel balanced within, and so forth.
Overly educated and continuously exploring and revealing more behind the veil.
"It cannot be too highly emphasized that the mystic swims in the same waters in which the psychotic drowns."
-James Wasserman, The Mystery Traditions