The last few weeks have been some muddy times. More so, the last few days have been a personal hell. The current planetary positioning, with numerous retrogrades, is one where humanity is too slow down. Particularly Mercury in retrograde, given that Gemini has prominence in both my western and eastern charts, it's a time to reflect on life. I believe that to mean, it's our own personal judgment time period, where we reflect on our past and try to gain wisdom in moving forward. It's a sin, or karma, if we keep choosing the same patterns that are not part of our Spirit expression. Hence, the need for reflection.
Though far from physical self-abuse, this current reflection period is essentially ego suicide for me, which my ego is scared to relinquish. Though our ego is our self expression, our personality out into the world, the ego has been given the task of decision maker that should be done by Higher Self. The ego should not be destroyed, but healed. I know now that my Higher Self want's me to be what makes me the happiest. What to do? Which path to walk, the one that society has esteemed for me, or to follow my inner expression using the skills gained with my own unique expression, which I've attempted to subdue from public eyes?
My Black Moon positioning is in Aries, an aspect which defines my shadow side as having issues with a sense of worth. Completely true from my experience, my inner issues have been externally manifested throughout all my life, with constant rejections, being picked last, etc. It's a lesson I need to resolve, to learn that I'm worthy just by my ability to exist, to be, to breathe. Nonetheless, already a social reject, I sought the strange, the odd, the dark. As a Sagittarius Sun, I sought deeper truths, which I could only find in what would be coined as the left hand path, to be Self, to unite with God, to be God (Shivoham). Nonetheless, I've barely made it socially with trying to be normal, do I dare bring my inner expression out into the world? Remember my Black Moon, not only does rejection hurt, but praise and exaltation is completely unnatural, which led to the demise of Kurt Cobain and Johnny Cash. (Laura Walker of the oraclereport.com; her morning report was spot-on accurate for what I faced). Those are my demons, very different from the macabre figures of our horror stories. It's the inner voice that has persistently told me that "I'm not good enough". Such expression sinks my heart, but I've grown to consider that depth home, my practical state of being.
This blog was initiated to clear my head of all the knowledge, wisdom, and insight that I've acquired in the last 31 years. Though occultists typically keep such notes a secret, I've had inclinations that others may benefit from my attempts (successes and failures) to seek higher wisdom. Given the fact that I can look back at the last 31 years of my life and say its not worth to continue in ego, I can truly express that I want a fast pass ticket to wisdom. Give me wisdom, or give me death. Hence, Kali is my perfect beloved, the imminent Mahavidya who I've sacrificed all for, including my own head.
While others retain a guru, I sought personal study of the vast array of esoteric, including the dark. My family is all light with Krishna ruling the household, but my resonance was different. Using the current astrological predicament, I've reflected intensely on my life and see that I was luckily divinely guided. Especially after studying the sephirot of the hermetic Qabalah, I feel the guidance with more intensity, like an HD television in my head as I read certain texts, or getting completely lost in meditation. Moreover, doing mantra is now Spirit invocation for me, where I have sought to learn the feeling sensation of different deities, guides, and ascended beings (my "team"), to help assist me on my path. I may be delusional, but I feel their presence and sometimes gain insight, dare I say visions. I've found that regardless what I do, intention and attention are the keys. My "team", including my beloved, are all simply inner reflections (permission slips) to help me recognize and become Higher Self. After all, the infinite complexity of creation that is feminine love is my heart space, and the ability to pin-point infinite masculine awareness using my Will is my head space. I am a microcosm of the macrocosm. As above, so below. As within, so without. I am the infinite having a limited expression. The Brahman expressing Atman. Nonetheless, how am I to use that expression? Only my infinite Self can decide that.
There's a reason why you've been intrigued with both the angelic and the macabre, despite any fears. You came onto this planet with an inner (g)nowing, which you have been attempting to make known. There's a reason why you couldn't sleep at night as a child, and would surround your bed with your army of stuffed animals. You (g)new something existed beyond the typical senses. You still love them, don't you. Because you know they've protected your heart for much of your life. They remind you of the way you're supposed to feel, the way you're supposed to love, as you walk through life. That's why you love animals.
You were a strange kid. Even at an early age, you would be able to look out into the world and know that humanity deserved better. You felt like you were born at the wrong time, that the current school/work system was but another form of slavery designed to keep people boxed and externally engaged, leaving the magickal and real inner world to be "just an imagination". Moreover, you've recognized corruption at an early age from every aspect of society, feeling that modernity was simply an attempt to keep turning a broken wheel. You know that a complete scratch of the current system is absolutely necessary, and you know that more now as someone in the legal system.
You're also someone whose never questioned divinity, regardless of whichever tradition. Growing up, you imagined playing with both Krishna and Jesus, but had your mind intentionally set on Shiva, the baddest of them all. Though you were told to choose by Christians to avoid a fiery inferno, you couldn't deny any and would rather choose the wrath. Again, that was in your formative years at such a young age, ready to sacrifice yourself due to your love of your blessed entities, for eternal damnation. These beings you praised were family to you and they still are. You know that now more than ever, they are not Gods and Goddesses begging your praise, but relatives whom you can dial anytime you need assistance. They love you too much to expect you to bow before them. They're here to help you recognize who you are and you've always known that. They are celestial beings, and I know you remember that x-files type dream you had as a child. That's why you're obsessed with the Pleiades, the root of all your ascended traditions. That's why you're obsessed with the feminine.
You chose to stand your own ground because you wanted a direct link to divinity, with no man standing between you and the Great Beyond. You practiced mantras in your early years, sought the blessings of Christ and the Angels in your elementary years, fell in love with an amethyst gemstone that you bought as a child not knowing its spiritual significance, practiced the occult as a young adult in choosing the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram over your traditional fire ritual (havan), attempted to understand the darker entities from a loving perspective because you loved them too, and now you seek your true Self expression. Kudos! You are to conclude your formative process and be the light you were meant to be, for those ready to transmute darkness.
Do you know why you've always loved the heavy sound of American made motorcycles, akin only to your love of heavily distorted guitars attempting to raise the holder of light from the depths of darkness? You know he is there so that it doesn't get too dark down there. Do you know why you drop a tear every time you hear the angelic finger bends of Hendrix's "All along the watchtower" and feel that inner tickle on the sides of your head? Do you know why you chose Crowley/Blavatsky over Swami Prabhupada, but realize bhakti is necessary for individuals to open their heart chakra, to heal from all the heartache in the world? Do you know why you chose the hidden, the occult, the yin, and dived in knowing the psychological/physical turmoil you are putting yourself through? You are determined to know all, like Ishtar who descended into Hell. You've chosen an adventurously dangerous route to flash-forward to completion, in the way a Goddess has done, stripping yourself nude regardless of your attached adornments.
You have used tradition to fight tradition in order to forge your own path, in honor of your Sagittarius Sun, the light you shine into the world. You have sought many teachers and teachings without prejudice, searching for Truth that just feels right. You've let your insight be the governance of your spirituality and you have been blessed so. You are they synthesis of the light and dark, yang and yin, masculine and feminine. You are a beautiful expression of the infinite, the all that is, which is easily sourced from within you, my little microcosm. You Are The Dance Of The Cosmic Mirror!
Recognize that you are the rebel. Recognize that you are great in your feats and your team applauds you. Recognize who you are within. What could that actually be? I'll tell you! Who you are within, can be nothing short, but a bad-ass-mother-fucker!
-Higher Self & Team
Above is the gist of what I've been able to gather from my meditations, which is my invocation of Higher Consciousness and lingering within Awareness (Self) to obtain information. Fuck it, I'll admit that I'm a baby channeler. I've spent the last two plus years resolving past issues and attachments, all of them, regardless of traumatic measurement. I seek to be karmically free from myself as well as societal/traditional/religious/cultural definitions that do not fit my soul resonance. To be a free and unlimited expression, not bound nor attached to the grand play we call life, but nonetheless capable of manifesting my Heart's desire using my Will. To be a Kumari, always the enjoy-er, but never the enjoyed. ("virgin": Definition by Jaideva Singh; Siva Sutras).
The above expression was also previously expressed to me by an intuitive I visited in Sedona. She simply expressed that I had two sides, one conservative suit-and-tie, the other being "freak". Nonetheless, she emphasized that Spirit was really applauding, and I mean "really" applauding my "freak" side. Though I'm still attempting to step into the shoes of my Higher Self, at least I now have a picture of what that may become. It's interesting to note, that Higher Self is really expressing your highest passions and joy, for the Universe is on our side. The divine ones of our traditions want nothing more than for us to awaken our heart (Cups), the divine feminine, through our Will (Wands), the divine masculine. To live a heart based reality, to bridge heaven on earth, spirit with matter.
However, embodying as such is difficult living in our unnatural society. If I am rejected for being normal, imagine then my black moon affliction, which has placed significant fear on being the real me, the "freak". Feeling lost and just wanting to be liberated from the hell of an illusion I've manifested, I'm left heartsick and just wanting to be free. To return home where I can feel natural again. Nonetheless, the Universe herself answered my plight by sending me two messenger pigeons, one this last Thursday and one yesterday. Unlike the last eight (8) years of living at my residence, I never had a pigeon outright hang out with me on my balcony. Moreover, there was no fear, where the pigeon just checked me out. The little birdie actually gave me an up-and-down look like "who is this guy?". With excitement, I ran to Ted Andrews, Animal-Speak to discover any symbolism. I was baffled to read "pigeons can teach us how to find our way back when we are lost".. they are "symbols for a time or a need to return to the security of home".
Overly educated and continuously exploring and revealing more behind the veil.
"It cannot be too highly emphasized that the mystic swims in the same waters in which the psychotic drowns."
-James Wasserman, The Mystery Traditions