When I finally decided to watch his youtube videos, I noticed a sense of calm come over me, something I had noted that I would only attain in meditation. Under that calm, I began stretching my back, particularly my lower back, in trying to stretch-out and massage muscular kinks that have developed from a consistent "sitting" lifestyle as demanded in the western educational/work culture. I felt good, calm, and the muscles around my spine (including psoas) was beginning to feel more comfortable. The youtube video was simple yogic-philosophy, but Yogiraj would reference other cultures and Madame Blavatsky indicating occult studies as well, which kept my intrigue. Nonetheless, at the end of this particular video, Yogiraj stated that his audience all had screwed up spines and he was attempting to work on all of us. Needless to say, my jaw dropped and my thoughts ceased all with the shock of "what the fuck just happened". Again, in listening to his video, I was moved into a state of sensation that I managed to only experience in meditation, including the stretch and relaxation of the spine. I was immediately sold on the Kriya Yoga tradition, its psychic/siddha capabilities, where I have adopted some of their techniques into my base meditative practice. In his book Babaji; The Lightening Standing Still, Yogiraj indicates that Babaji is none other than Goraksha Nath, one of the main teachers of esoteric Hinduism (Nath meaning "School"). Further, Goraksha Nath is none other than Lord Shiva himself. Growing up in a typical Hindu household that loved and worshiped Shiva along with Vishnu, I was opposed to Shiva Shankar, the Shiva in form and his puranic-based stories. However, it wasn't until I read the Siva Sutras that I began to truly understand who or what Shiva actually is, and what he actually taught, yoga. More importantly, reading the Siva Sutras felt more like "remembering" as opposed to learning a new concept. It was like my neural pathways were already there, just being further solidified, particularly in my understanding of the "I Am That" concept as articulated in the Siva Sutras. However, prior to reading the Siva Sutras, I was doing a monthly meditation regarding each Sephirot of the Qabalist Tree of Life, beginning from the top with Kether. I only did this practice for four (4) of the Sephirot where the first three (3), the supernal triad, seems the most relevant for my own growth, where I may restart the practice when I feel it is relevant. Though the Qabalah is associated with Judaism, I studied this through Hermetic occult practitioners, as I feel a deeper connection to Egypt. Nonetheless, the meaning is the same, regardless of the symbols that are used. It was the meditative practice on the supernal triad that paved the way for me to grasp the Siva Sutras, as I associated this triad with the "I (Kether; Infinite Potential), Am (Chokmah; Divine Will/Conduct), That (Binah; Divine Wisdom/Creation)" concept. Hence, the correlation between Qabalah and Shaiva-Tantra. Moses is considered to be the Father of Judaism, not Adam. However, many tend to forget the fact that Moses was raised as an Egyptian prince, which entails attending the Egyptian mystery schools. Using my imagination, it's hard to see Moses sitting and learning with Rabbi's, the way Jesus did as a child. As an Egyptian prince, it's hard to grasp that Moses would sit and learn from the Hebrews who were allegedly enslaved (those who win the war write the history books, in this case, the old testament). This would be like Christian missionaries learning and practicing the spiritualism of their victims (Even the current Pope concedes the brutality of early Christian missionaries, something my own lineage can evidence, for those offended by the term "victim"). Nonetheless, it doesn't matter whether it was Egyptian or Hebrew, it's beautiful nonetheless and we have the occultists and Hebrews to thank for preserving these concepts and practices (If you have a problem calling it Egyptian or vice-versa, that is where the "ego" becomes limiting where one is more absorbed in titles and identities as opposed to the enlightenment).
Going back to the Kriya Yoga tradition, practitioners tend to develop psychic/siddhi abilities, including tapping into the universal library, the akashic record. Not quite sure if this is how Yogiraj, who is a Sat-Guru (Brahman: Sat-Chit-Ananda), was able to gather certain information, his articulation of Moses in Babaji seems to resonate with my prior experience and logical understanding. As described, Moses was initiated by Shiva Goraksha Babaji on Mt. Sinai, where Yahveh is Mahankal (MahaKala-Shiva-Time), The Great Time. Moreover, Moses was to end idolatry where man worshiped external-form, to find divine consciousness within. Taking this one step more into the esoteric, from sources long lost to me, it was my understanding that Moses first attained the Qabalah on Mt. Sinai, where Moses found the majority of his followers worshiping the symbol of the prior astrological age and not ready for such advanced teachings. Hence, Moses provided the masses with the Commandments (It is argued that it was more than 10), while a chosen few received the Qabalah. That makes sense in the dual representation of Judaism, holding a written and oral tradition, where the oral tradition most likely needs to be an experience from a prior practitioner, like in Tantra (Shaktipath/Shekinapath). The esoteric similarities are beautiful and unifying, showing the power that humanity holds through consciousness. However, the masses would rather argue titles, racial/religious identities, that only inflate one's ego-identity. Religion has become a programming, where Spirituality is a deprogramming, a removal of the limitations that inhibit unlimited consciousness. Behind the masters of our traditions lies a deeper truth yet to be grasped, where sadly those attempting to discover these truths have been historically persecuted, be it Qabalists, Tantriks, and even Alchemists (Scientists).
Nonetheless, the age of information is uncovering and revealing what the elite have attempted to keep covered. That is the apokalypsis, the great revelation.
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Higher Self is a concept talked about in almost all esoteric traditions, and some exoteric traditions such as Krishna in the Bhagavad Gita. Communion with Higher Self is the initiation that is required to grasp divine will, which is the divine logos or masculine. Even the Gnostic Christian text, the Pistis Sophia, describes two (2) Christs: 1) Christ the Logos; and 2) Christ the Sophia, or the divine feminine. In all esoteric work, such communion is a stepping stone to fully engage in spiritual practices and it is what Aleister Crowley hinted towards with his motto, "Do What Thou Wilt". Do what thou "will" doesn't correlate to "doing whatever you want" as espoused by exoteric in their attempts to demonize Crowley, who was more than accepting of such backlash, but is an attempt to find one's divine will where Crowley concludes with "Love is the Law, Love under Will".
However, the appearance and location of such beings doesn't really attest to what "Higher Self" actually entails. We are to assume that such out-of-this-world type beings are extremely more advanced than humanity, or at least not tied to the wheel of samsara that perpetuates humanities suffering. Even going back in Hinduism under Puranic literature, we have the world filled with phenomenal beings with strange technology and weaponry that can only be described by our current human frame of thought as genetic manipulations, atomic-nuclear weaponry, and ufo-vimana based space crafts. However, these are all just external interpretations, that leave one wondering what Higher Self actually may be and its potential. It took me probably two years of seeking, and using the law of attraction to manifest the highest information possible, to even get a glimpse of a logical understanding of what Higher Self may be. New Agers, Light-Workers, etc., all seem to discuss this expansive state of awareness, but can only describe it through how it makes them feel. Nonetheless, it is through Tantric Literature and wonderful commentaries posed by devotees, that I can begin to understand my Higher Self experiences from a logical perspective. After all, it is through these traditions that we have learned about Kundalini and the Chakras, stemming from secret Goddess traditions in India. Shaivism (Christ the Logos; Divine Masculine): Shaiva's and the likes are the shamanic traditions of India, where internal practices are stressed over ritualistic practices more closely aligned with the Vedic traditions. In addition, Bhakti (worship) is associated with Shiva, who is worshiped as Higher Self to be found and invoked within, as opposed to worshiped externally. But why Shiva, and not any other deity in the numerous pantheon found in Hinduism? Because Shiva is the ultimate yogi, the "yoke" between spirit and matter, who teaches the world to deify itself, or realize its own divinity. To take this one step further is what makes Shiva different, is his state of consciousness, Turiya aka Higher Self. In these yogic teachings, there are three main states of consciousness: 1) Waking; 2) Dreaming; and 3) Deep Sleep. Deep sleep can be associated with the unconscious and subconscious, where also the collective consciousness plays a role. The realization that you are simply the "knower" or "experiencer" of all three (3) states of consciousness is the fourth state of consciousness, Turiya. Within the unconscious subconscious, we tend to house quite a bit of ourselves, including issues we attempt to ignore only causing such issues to manifest in our external circumstances. To become aware of what lurks in this state of consciousness requires self-reflection, our own personal "judgment day". From hypnotherapy, we discover that we are controlled by hidden programming lurking deep within our psyche. With certain professionals, such as Dolores Cannon, we find that such issues can stem from prior life-times. Nonetheless, just as a candle flame dispels the darkness, our simple observatory awareness is enough to loosen the hold such issues pose on our psyche. Hence being awake/aware to what lurks within under deep sleep, our subconscious, is a key to unlocking who we are and why we have certain circumstances in our lives. Dreaming is another state of consciousness, one that we can manipulate as taught by Tibetan Tantriks in teachings that create lucid dreams. From personal experience, lucidity begins within a dream where you realize you're dreaming. From there, one can proceed to move things around at will, though my experiences quickly diminish after such realization where I typically wake up thereafter. Nonetheless, here certain practitioners continue to do their spiritual work and exploration. Nonetheless, to be an observer within this state of mind seems to pose endless possibilities, where one quickly realizes that they control the dream matrix. Lastly, the waking state is a bit odd and filled with numerous facets. We can choose to be the observer of our surrounding presence or our thoughts. Nonetheless, as opposed to looking at these state of consciousness as simply an observer, as observer of our surrounding and thoughts, we tend to get lost in our surrounding or thoughts letting the external circumstances control our awareness, as opposed to vice-versa (which is fine, we like to enjoy and get lost in our movies). Further, via law of attraction teachings, which I believe falls under "spanda" for Shaivas (though I still have quite a bit more to learn), our waking state can become like the lucid dream state, where we should be able to manifest the reality of our choosing, within the parameters of the collective belief systems. After all, the ancient mystics have consistently told us that what we deem to be reality is an illusion, or a holographic projection of consciousness, where law of attraction teaches to make this illusion lucid. Therefore, to be Higher Self entails being awake/conscious/lucid of our awake state, dream state, and deep sleep state. Shaktism (Christ the Sophia; Divine Feminine): Kashmiri Shaivism seems to be solidified through the works of Abhinavagupta, who in his magnus opus, the Sri Tantraloka, indicates that if you can't find a human guru to help you with initiation, then turn to Adi-Shakti herself, Ma Kali, as she will initiate you. As someone who has astrological aspects that makes me despise guru worship, etc., as well as choosing to remove all societal-religious imposed limitations to seek to be unlimited, this was the best suited path for me. Given my love for this aspect of the divine, this path was probably the most easiest and most fun for me, my "permission slip" as Bashar would say. Kali is associated with numerous Tantrik Goddesses (particularly Mahavidyas), where in Tantra, the wisdom and capabilities found in other deities should simply be instilled within the deity of your choice in order to evade being distracted. In other words, learn from other deities, but try to avoid constantly switching between them where the one chosen should hold the essence of all Tantrik deities. (Geshe Kelsang Gyatso, Guide To Dakini Land). As has been my experience, Kali works at the roots of the issues, while other more common deities in the Hindu pantheon will take a calm approach. Hence, Tantrik deities are the fast pass, a "no pain no gain" type of initial experience. In other words, they don't hesitate to put you in your place. Tantrik Goddesses are almost always associated with the Kundalini energy slumbering at the bottom of one's spine, where Higher Self may reside in the higher chakras, particularly the 8th chakra above the Crown. An even fiercer form of Kali is when she is three (3) times as vicious as Tripura Bhairavi. Bhairavi as the feminine counterpart to Bhairava (Shiva in his "terrible" form) consists of Tripura meaning the three state of consciousness described above, and three (3) words: Bhavana (to manage); Ravana (to draw within); and Vamana (to expand). Hence, the generator (G), operator (O) and destroyer (D) paradigm that is exoterically associated with Brahma, Vishnu, Shiva, is esoterically found within Bhairavi(a). Hence, Bhairavi instills the G-O-D paradigm within the three (3) states of consciousness, which is the ability to create, manage, and destroy within the three (3) worlds.
Oddly, Tripura Sundari is not common for a Hindu household, though she permeates numerous other deities, including Krishna who is said to have invoked her essence, and Lakshmi similarly holds the title "Sri" and shares in the Sri Yantra. No doubt the Vaishnavas hold Krishna as their Tantrik deity, and Krishna is said to be the only essence to completely embody Brahman, or to fully accomplish the alchemical marriage within a human body. Moreover, Tripura Sundari is known to have a cult of her own as the Sri Vidya cult, with Vidya being sanskrit "vid" meaning to know (gnosis). Hence, just as the esoteric Christians had their Sophia, Tantriks have their Vidya. Often portrayed as a 16 year old as Sodashi, she represents the beauty of entering adulthood while still holding onto a childish heart, a Kumari, where as Jesus said, "...[t]ruly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 18:3 NASB). Sodashi represents the pinnacle of spirituality, as she is symbolized as the peak of Mt. Meru, the abode of the Gods as expressed in her geometric form, the Sri Yantra.
Conclude:
In summation, the essence of Higher Self is to not only be awake/aware of the three (3) states of consciousness, but to be the most beautiful in all three (3). Law of attraction wise, to feel what it's like to be the most beautiful and consciously present in your waking state, in your dream state, and within your subconscious, seems to be the key to unlock our divine potential and manifest our very own heavenly abode, our own Mt. Meru.
In order to potentiate the experience, the ego-identity should be subdued to allow transmutation. In other words, our head can't get in the way, a typical problem that arises in attempting to unite with something more expansive. Hence, a practice geared towards stillness is key, where in order to experience the expansiveness of spirit, ego-death (removing the human/animal identity) is needed to experience a broader state of awareness. These states of consciousness are significantly broader than human constructs. Hence, typical traditional, cultural, and societal beliefs, all designed to manage our material world, hinder our conception of the spiritual world. That is why in Hinduism, four stages of life are depicted, with the first two stages geared towards management of the material world (including religion), and the last two stages geared towards discovering "Self". Hence, the final two stages are geared towards hermitage (getting away from society, tradition, culture), then as a wandering ascetic (to teach what has been experienced in a materially detached manner). Jesus, Siddhartha, and Mohammed practiced such hermitage, where what was learned was dispensed to the public thereafter. Do note, that none of these three taught or fully expressed themselves before their hermitage experience, nor were they attached the material world thereafter. In order to understand spirit, what we know of and understand spirit to be needs to be diminished, where knowledge is also considered maya, an illusion. Those that have pierced beyond the veil, speak of it in terms above Chuck Palahniuk's "Fight Club", where it is not that you can't talk about it, it's more like there are no vocabulary terms to describe it, as it is simply an experience. Hence, terms like Brahman and the Tao are used to describe this expanse, but feels unknowable by the definitions provided by our masters. Even the term "Allah", which is an Arabic generic term for "God" used before Islam, and used today by Christians in the middle-east, means "No-Thing", as in the indescribable beyond the tangible world of form. Hence, once the tangible is blown-out, Nirvana, what remains is the experience of the formless, Samadhi.
Most exoteric religions and their practices fall under dualist teachings, the right hand path. Duality, or Dvaita-Vedanta beliefs are that we have an individual soul that is separate from the almighty soul aka God. Because of the separation, the human containing the soul has to follow righteous disciplines in order to purify oneself in order to liberate the soul. This is where concepts of morals, ethics, etc., all come into play creating external practices to avoid or cleanse oneself of "sin". However, the majority of tantrik practices are non-dualist teachings, the left hand path (Within the left hand path, you have another grouping of right-hand/left-hand which is more akin to light/dark, hence, high tantra and low tantra). Nonduality, or Advaita-Vedanta holds that the individual spirit known as Atman is not separate, but the same as Brahman. As described in the Upanishads as well as the Shaivas practical text the Vijnanabhairava, Atman is like the air inside of a jar, and Brahman is the air outside of the jar. Hence, the whole purpose of higher tantrik practices is to associate with the air within and around the jar as opposed to the jar itself. In the material world, our culture, traditions, societal structures, our learning, etc., is all associated with the jar. By identifying with the jar, what many label as the "ego", we perceive our relative existence with limitations, all of which have been defined and created by society. Hence, our minds become completely associated with the jar, and those of the dualist path seek external guidance [Deity(ies), Angels, Etc.]. We've (as in our Spirit) has gotten completely lost in the realm of matter, in the realm of separation, that even many in Advaita-Vedanta (including myself) use separate spiritual guidance to tap into one's own inner resonance. It's like dualist teachings are a stepping stone to recognize our connection with everything, the "all that is" permeating from source. Again, so why the odd practices? To realize Advaita is to realize that spirit is always pure and pristine despite what occurs in matter. In other words, our soul has always been and remains untainted, despite what occurs in the material realm of density. Nonetheless, we're so psychologically ingrained with dualist cleansing teachings of pure and impurities, that "extreme" practices are needed in order for one to realize that Brahman still flows through you as it flows through all, within this illusory game that we're all playing (Maya-Lila). Add law of attraction beliefs in the mix where beliefs manifest in the material realm, imagine the experience one creates for his/herself with constantly labeling and believing oneself to be a "sinner". The majority of us walk around with such sentiments, not knowing that such beliefs manifests itself through our experiences. So long as one seeks "Self", the Brahman behind the jar labelled as Atman, sin is an illusory construct that must be removed not just consciously, but subconsciously, which becomes difficult given that Yogis (meditators; consciousness explorers) have realized that the subconscious is also tied to the collective conscious. Hence, the need for odd external practices are for those that cannot remove the psychological guilt of sin, shame, etc., that has been forced upon our psyche from birth (and prior life-times) given the dominance of dualist teachings, and the elites attempt to manage humanity.
Though I'm a bit different, where I also call on the lighter shades akin to angelic kingdoms of the most humble Christs. For that is my interpretation of nonduality, it is all one. My current spiritual practice looks more like peace-loving hippie vibes, as compared to my prior Crowley-style magick where I was trying to discover the truth of such material. Nonetheless, now I see that both paths hold the same aim, to connect with the Higher Self aka Holy Guardian Angel. The is the practice of Self-Empowerment, not empowering an external entity. I consider Jesus and Christ teachings to be one of the greatest blessings I've received in this life, but I also consider the road of bringing light/wisdom to be my path. Basically, I see Jesus differently then the modern typical Christian, whose logic I cannot fathom. To love the beauty recognized in our separation where God is something more expansive than our human-selves, or to love the brilliance recognized in our connection to "all that is" showing us that we are more expansive than what we have thought ourselves to be. That's really the difference between the right hand (Dualist/Exoteric/Separation) and left hand (Nondulaist/Esoteric/Unity) path. I do not subscribe to a "jealous" god, or one that demands that I call it a particular name, or face the infernal wrath of a hel(l). To me, that sounds like manipulative domination, as opposed to liberation. I subscribe to a path that uses guides to help me recognize the divinity within. We see the humility and compassion that is Jesus, the one who asked for our karma to be forgiven. But, to feel the same with the opposer, sheitan, is another story where we've been raised to deny our darker shadow selves, our base-animal reptilian-brain complex, that was meant to really be synthesized with our higher self (Spirit+Matter). We don't love the opponents, those that make us heroes on our journeys, including the inner-opponent that we try to bottle up or deny. The aspects of the Universe that we find to be dark, are only different shades of the one infinite light. For a candle flame enlightens a darkened space, but the dark space doesn't harm the light. Knowing the darkness found within (and without), and bringing love and light to such, is to integrate the shadow side, ... you know, that thing Jesus taught, forgiveness. For one cannot heal one's own darkness, without shedding some love and light on it. That's the judgment that we meet when we find ourselves in deep reflection, you know, that place of our Cross-roads. It is the clearing of that which is hidden within our subconscious, which manifests as blocks that inhibit our full expressions. In my innerchild healing meditation, it was that 16-20 something early college self, where that innerchild wanted to be called "hellfire", a rebellion springing forth as a result of a fear based condemning Christian education. But this innerchild aspect wasn't some rebellious stage, it was my search for something more beyond the box of faith-based religion, something the masses could not understand and would possibly fear, as shown through historical persecution resulting in "secret" societies. This meditation was a feeling of integration of two separate halves of myself. I saw and felt what it would be like for Jesus to hold and completely love Lucifer (the collective belief is that of an "evil" being, not the historical "light bearer", which can appear in our subconscious as it is tied to the collective conscious). I felt Lucifer in the form of Baphomet, protected by Anubis, where Lucifer actually felt loved by Jesus and shockingly returned the same. Spirituality is a paradox, hence the highest is not some form, but it is "truth" only found in "wisdom". We are Spirit, and these characters are merely archetypes that we seek to unite psychologically, hence, yoga. It is a practice to truly understand who we are and what we are capable of doing with our consciousness
My meditation concluded with visuals of Jesus and Lucifer in complete transparent embrace, as if they were actors playing a role, but recognizing who they were behind the character, one. For was not the being who tempted Jesus while Jesus practiced his meditation, none other than Jesus' own shadow emerging to be recognized and enlightened, just as we all face our own inner-"demons"? This is a teaching that will be difficult for many to embrace externally, as well as within themselves. This may be the reason why esoteric sciences have been kept hidden, for it is hard to love what is often feared, especially something lurking within ourselves. The goal is to integrate, transcend, and ascend to the next level, or what the masonic George Washington would say, apotheosis.
Ascension. I've been spending more time meditating, seems appropriate given the current political climate with opposing sides clashing every which way. Given certain calms and imaginings that spring from within, it's like an exercise where I'm trying to strengthen my ability to be aware of intangible realms, and request some form of healing. I've recently had an interesting meet and greet with Chinnamasta that I had hoped to strengthen through continuous use of her mantra. However, as I proceeded to invoke her imaginings last night, in the middle of moving through my japa beads, my mind made the gradual shift to another Mahavidya in which I remember in very little detail. Ma Dhumavati's mantra is very simple and mainly consists of her name. Hence, if you can remember her name, you'll most likely remember her mantra after seeing it once.
Slightly over a month ago, I took a short trip to the legendary Mt. Shasta, which had all sorts of obvious oddities occur unlike my prior trips. On the second night, before getting some shut-eye, I had taken out my copper yantra dedicated to the 10 Mahavidyas and lit a candle to watch over me as I slept. Given that our rental was very close to a late 1800's cemetery, the fear of beings messing with my slumber arose, where the copper yantra was enough to subdue such worries. While still adjusting myself to call it a night, I had the image of a decrepit elderly white woman with frizzy white hair pop into my mind, almost like a character from a zombie flick, but not as macabre. At first I brushed the image away as my imagination, but the image arose immediately afterwards, which engaged my analytical mind. Was this someone that I had seen earlier or maybe this is a lost soul from the cemetery requesting my assistance? My mind quickly went through numerous ideas no matter how absurd, but I just as quickly brushed it off to rest for the night. In waking, I lingered in the comfort of my rest with my back towards the Mahavidya copper yantra that I had propped up. As my mind quickly adjusted itself to my surroundings, I felt as if someone was standing behind me. That "presence" then rushed itself closer to me to the point where I felt like it plugged itself into me from behind me. Immediately, my sympathetic nervous system chose to mentally fight. I cursed this thing, this sensation moving inside me to damnation reminiscent of my Christian education upbringing. In my short battle, I heard numerous masculine and feminine voices speaking in strange tongues, and felt light glowing at my crown as I was lulled into my old enemy, sleep paralysis. I've experienced sleep paralysis quite a bit in my life, particularly in my pre-adult years. There is one I remember in particular around my high school years. After a nap, my eyes and consciousness were awake to my room, but I couldn't twitch a muscle. Realizing that I was under paralysis, you basically tell yourself to wake up and move until you are able. In that process, I immediately felt a breathe on my neck with a subtle growl that grew louder as I focused my awareness on it. Again, fight or flight, where you fight for the ability to move and wake up out of the paralysis. At this time, I developed the opinion that sleep paralysis was simply the in-between state of the astral plane and physical reality. Hence, I was still dreaming and dreams were just dreams for me then. After my recent Mt. Shasta incident, I kept that experience in mind and related that experience to my high school sleep-paralysis experience relayed above. As odd as this experience was, it was not the most odd event to occur on this trip, but that maybe another story. In understanding sleep paralysis, I remember a course called "Visions of the Sacred" in my early college years, where certain traditions associate sleep paralysis with an "old hag" that would paralyze a sleeping individual by sitting on his/her chest. This "old hag" carried vampiric succubus qualities that would feast on the victims energy. The correlation between the "old hag" and my "decrepit elderly white woman" image was too outstanding. For all my reasoning, I could not portray this "old hag" visit as negative, though it was a frightening experience. My logic took me through an analysis: first showing me that the Mahavidyas were watching over me as the copper yantra was nearby; second, that given my association with Ma Kali I'm assuming that lower entities would not mess with me; and third, I also would not expect harmful entities to approach me when I had a few high vibrational gemstones around me. But still couldn't conjure an answer. Could this be something trying to reach out to me for assistance? Or, could this be a teacher given that the internal experience after plugging inside me was surreal? This bout of sleep paralysis wasn't even my most recent, where I similarly had an experience last week. While coming out of sleep and jumping into paralysis, I felt as though something was trying to grab me and pick me up. I shook myself to the fully awakened state, and simply grunted, "fuck, again!". Though no visuals, there was still something about this "old hag" that just stuck with me believing it to have returned, but I couldn't settle on a reason. I had asked myself if she was a Mahavidya, but when I looked through my books, there were no images of an elderly frail woman. I know I have seen a form of the Indian Devi as a fierce elderly figure, but brushed it off as either a village Goddess, or a destructive Matrika (Mother) entity. Going back to my meditation, as I honed in on the reverberations of Dhumavati's mantra, I immediately noticed the difference between Chinnamasta and Dhumavati. Chinnamasta was solid though decapitated, where you feel grounded in your body with the ability to be aware outside of your body. Dhumavati was more tied to the soul realm, where I was awareness not attached to a body. In fact, I appeared to be above the physical realm in this gloomy area looking down into the physical realm. In order not to confuse with the Atman/Spirit, this felt more like ghosts, or what we call fucking Bhoot. As a child, I was really frightened of the dark, because I always felt there was something lurking and watching. Despite my utter fascination with the paranormal, these fears were hard to conquer, which I am confident to admit knowing that many share the same phobia. However, such fears have been drastically minimized due to my practice and acquaintance with Ma Kali. Seeing the "old hag" in Mt. Shasta, even just in my head, was unsettling. However, I was equipped with the ability to not let my fears pull me down. In my meditation, I felt the rush of fear as if knowing something frightening was about to be revealed, but I wasn't about to turn back. There she was, an old decrepit fierce woman, where in forgetting the mantra my mouth was uttering, I calmly paid attention to my fear. It was like the sensation of "oh, shit!", as I thought to myself, am I going to finally face one of my greatest childhood fears. Fear is always the opposite end of the spectrum where one should linger. It is the real root of all evil. And here I was. In facing this "old hag", luckily the mantra to Ma Dhumavati was still being uttered, as I quickly remembered who I was attempting to contact. As a Mahavidya, I simply looked at her and realized she was just another form of my beloved Ma Kali. With the sensation of a child realizing that it is his mother behind a Halloween mask, I ran up to her and said "I know you are Ma, you can't scare me". I looked at her with the love as in the way a child looks at his/her mother with my arms thrown in the air expecting her to pick me up. I was held in her arms, fully protected from everything she was to show me. She showed me outside of myself, outside of the colorful existence that we call reality, to a gloomy realm a few notches above the physical reality where ghosts seemed to have their play. Though I wasn't much interested in the ghosts, I focused on the numerous layered realms that were above the visual Ma Dhumavati was showing me. It was expansive to see that there are other layers to what we perceive and to look down from this gloomy realm into the colorful physical reality. As it was most likely to release some fears, I was only able to quickly grasp a few moments before the imaginings quickly dissolved. After meditation, I returned to my books and online images to re-discover Ma Dhumavati. Though I was more familiar with the "smoky image" shown above, Ma Dhumavati is associated with the elderly form of Kali, the "old hag". No doubt from my expression above, I felt her as Ma Kali more so than Tara and Chinnamasta. Dr. David Frawley defines her as the "Grandmother Spirit", or the ancestral guide to the Goddesses in his Tantric Yoga and the Wisdom Goddesses. He further describes her as the "smoky one" where she obscures one thing to reveal another, like how she obscured physical reality for me to reveal something on the other side. She is the primordial energy before creation, Shakti before Shiva, where she exists as pure potential. Hence, she is considered to be the void. She is not revealed in the ordinary world, but exists in the background like a smoke screen.
With Ma Dhumavati, I feel blessed for the opportunity to be given a glimpse of what is behind the smoke screen. Moreover, I'm really realizing that there is more truth hidden within us, for those daring enough to seek for it.
Chinnamasta on the other hand, because I'm fairly new to her essence, I didn't know what to expect or how I would be internally triggered. Allowing her mantra to reverberate throughout my 12 chakra system, beginning from bottom upwards, I dissolved into her being one fateful night. Not knowing what was to come, along with the inability to actually imagine her as a real being given that she is decapitated, I thought I wasn't going to be able to experience her. She seemed unreal, like who goes around walking without a head. Hell, if it wasn't for Ma Kali, I'm not sure I would even invoke such a being out of fear. Not sure if it was due to my work with Ma Kali, but unlike Ma Kali and Ma Tara, Chinnamasta did not hold that terrifyingly terrific passionate flare. Actually, she may have, I could be just simply accustomed to it and look forward to the fiery spinal thrusts of dissolving my atomic structure. Going up my chakras and allowing the seeds of mantra to expand my inner feeling, I wasn't expecting to see much but rather just linger in the intensity. However, once at the throat chakra, where judgment resides in search for the truth, I noticed that my head wasn't quite attached. In fact, my head was resting tilted upwards on my hands with my outstretched arm as if decapitated, with my mouth gaping wide open filling with Sushumna nectar. Moreover, I didn't just have one head, I had three, with my two other heads similarly placed in what I assumed to be my many arms. Similarly, the two heads drank of the Ida and Pingala Nadi's, the feminine and masculine psyche. At this point, I'm focusing on my head, which is quite not attached to my body, where I'm aware of the Kundalini flows into my three mouths. Not wanting my body to be left behind with the spiritual experience, I noticed that I held the ability to reverse the flow, where the channels would flow out of my mouth with a rush downwards into my body. Moving into my crown, and into what could be higher with four remaining chakras above, I allowed my body to internally adjust itself, particularly in the cranial cavity where the right hemisphere (left side of the body) needed to relax and match the right hemisphere (left side of the body). Once balanced, I felt whole and complete within myself. No where left to run to with all my spiritual practices, no more mantras or other permission slips, just fully relaxed in either the sensation of holding infinity or within my own ego-self, it didn't matter what I chose as it was all perfect. It was my self-sacrifice that allowed my ego-self to surrender, but it was a surrender filled with the sensation of strength. Further, by seeing myself from the decapitated heads peering at my animal body, such only added credence to the idea that consciousness is not tied to the body, that what we deem to be our spirit is only awareness. Again, I knew not what to expect and sure wasn't thinking I'd morph into this sensational experience. I guess I assumed there would be messages, but then what would a decapitated Goddess say? That won't stop me from trying, but at least I now feel she's willing to assist me. I may be pursuing her out of sheer curiosity, feeling safe guarded with Ma Kali's blessings. But I can't quite feel the emotional heart chakra expansion with her in comparison with Ma Kali. However, I can't feel that love with Ma Tara yet either. Nonetheless, I'll accept her wonderful blessing of a balanced healing knowing that it's all leading towards a bigger picture, one that I cannot currently fathom.
On this blessed 11:11, I sat meditating on my balcony soaking the warmth of the radiant sun. For me, when I'm able to relax into the intensity of the heat, I feel like I'm being slowly warmed into relaxation. It's an excellent feel to get in deeper, get the thoughts to quiet especially after the wonderful catalyst of an election where a loud mouth neanderthal (fear no logic) outwit the most dangerous gang on the planet (fear with logic), I was subdued into recognizing how far it is that I have come internally. From my personal catalysts triggering in early 2014, I was led down a road around heavily seeking the real power we hold within, the good esoteric stuff filled with tantric fokelore. I had time on my hands, and I really wanted to shift my life in a different direction. I didn't conceive then what that might entail, the psychological dissection moving me in every which bi-polar way, into what seems to never-ending bursts of bliss to spiraling fathoms of doubt. Strapped with a few gemstones, tantric mantras (Matra/Padmasambhava), a wealth of knowledge from years of intense reading birthing from childhood, and the use of taoist breathing techniques, I purged and damn did I purge! While on my balcony, I recognized where I was then, to where I am now with the ability to tap into mindful and no-mind bliss. To be in this state, is really to have released enough attachments to recognize the still of the mind. These attachments are a constant adornment from what we perceive with our senses, to what we use to dull our senses, where many just never think to quietly subdue our senses. Anything triggered is really something up to be purged, which I now leave to drift into an imaginative flower to be removed from my personal space, psychic ninja style. Given that I have been doing this long enough, I am not so much triggered by the occurrences of the physical world. Being an empath, empathy still illogically rules me even when I have no comprehension why, I can at least stay quiet now, present to the blissful vibrantly colorful moment. Moreover, much of what use to trigger me, is now blissfully quiet. My waters prefer stillness. This past few days have been another story. Post the apocalyptic election, I have been triggered, not by the election result which actually worked out in my favor in preferring the quickest catalyst, but by the turmoil resulting where the masses have been instantly affected by something solely perceived through media sources. Many of us will not see these politicians in the flesh, but the reality show of advanced politics caused a raucous showing how easy it is for the elite to affect our vibration, feeling, beliefs, actions. Hence, the reason why of the possibility of the Caucasian George Soros funding the Black Lives Matter movement. It's just advanced politics, how easy it is for the elite to move the pawn pieces. It's all in the media, filling up the masses field of awareness, there is no other way to think for those drunk on this illusory heroine. I was triggered by the fact that my people, my loved ones, simply fell for it! They lowered their vibration in this pivotal time of expansion. In them being triggered, I was also triggered, and realized, still more purging. The sun is penetrating it's heat by now, I'm snapping in and out of thoughts in my attempt to clear them, I realized that my mouth was verbalizing a mantra to Cinnamasta seeking for wholeness, where Kali's presence was felt behind me. Here, I realized that the Feminine Divine that I have sought out had walked me through my path at each and every step, including the darkest of times. Having verbalized her mantric seeds, as I faced my shadows, fears, weaknesses, self-victimization to the point of blacking out being the only option, in her terrible form frightening away the greatest of tragedies, she let me know that she had my back more than I could imagine. Knowing her to be nothing less than the Queen of Wisdom, the sensation of confidence rushed me with an immediate kick of upliftment. It's not that I have to face my fears or go through trials and tribulations. Really, each moment is created for our best outcome. Each moment is created by our Higher Self, our own self, for the purpose of the wisdom that we seek within ourselves. In my 31 years, I discovered a feeling vibrating from the Feminine Divine's words, an emotion of something I had been told about all my life from Hindus and Christians. A concept that has always alluded me in my seeking leaving me hypercritical of those who portrayed having it. It was simply faith. I discovered Faith as not something to believe in, but a wellspring that needs to sprout from within using experience. It seems faith is not up for logical dissection, but an intuitive harmony lighting the path. Because of this feeling of faith, the triggers that arose in wishing to release the fears and anguish of humanity, especially of my loved ones, was released. I suddenly remembered that every one is connected with Higher Self with their lives also designed and crafted with such blessings regardless of holding faith. Everyone is on their own journey, and many need to traverse such triggers to be the Heroes of their stories. I needed to remember and have faith that all is crafted for the divine's delight, our divine comedy. I continued to release the triggers to bask in the holy light of my conscious awareness, feeling the macrocosmic pull within the microcosmic design. If I can't have faith in myself yet still under the guise of duality believing the divine to be separate from me, then faith in an external divine is sufficient until source is completely driven from within. This 11:11 moment of manifestation, looking through my third-eye periscope beyond our advanced lesson in civil karma, I feel pretty damn good for what's about to come.
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AuthorOverly educated and continuously exploring and revealing more behind the veil. "It cannot be too highly emphasized that the mystic swims in the same waters in which the psychotic drowns."
-James Wasserman, The Mystery Traditions Archives
August 2019
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