I didn't plan on putting myself in this position. Since birth, I had a desire to know more, to find something that is beyond the norm as discussed by numerous Eastern Teachers. It wasn't until I read Yogananda's Autobiography of a Yogi that I discovered that the common person can have wonderful spiritual experiences, and of course Aleister Crowley had me diving in deeper. Little did I know that in studying as much esoteric as possible, that I would begin to become alienated due to my experiences.
Though loneliness seems to be a beloved companion of the sincere seeker, one who sources all from within, it would be nice to follow someone's footsteps to know if you're headed in the right direction. Whereas, I often question if I'm simply deluding myself, especially when external manifestations appear to be stagnant, though consistent signs and coincidences keep up their tease. Raising my vibration has led to fighting doubts, insecurities, issues which attempt to keep you attached to the old ways of perceiving things.
Like as an individual constantly climbs the societal educational ladder, where higher education forces people to see things from a different light, such also has the affect of alienating someone from others who fail to grasp information from a wider perspective. To break someone's deeply held beliefs, opinions, and ideologies, is paradigm shattering for all of us, though I've attempted to move towards that in order to expand myself.
Though to avoid delusion, or do things properly, I've been consistently told that I need community. However, I find communities to be extremely limiting, where religious organizations have extremely limited perceptions of other organizations and teachings. Even in Hinduism, I've found those in the Hare Krishna movement to be extremely limited in anything outside of devotion, where such individuals only follow and practice one guru's teachings. I've asked the divine within to guide me in moving through numerous intelligent individuals aka gurus to expand my consciousness. However, that's led me through Hinduism, Saivism, Advaita Vedanta, Taoism, Ancient Christianity, Sufi Islam, Egyptian, Occult, New Age, and Shamanic traditions, and probably others that I can't currently fathom. Again, it's a childhood passion.
With such a background, I've noticed conscious alienation towards others in religion or spirituality, and feel that individuals are too locked within a box. What's worse is that I can now intuitively feel what teacher or teachings are right for me, and others that would be wasting my time, by the clarity I feel inside or the ticklings of my spine. However, I feel that most are simply wasting my time. More so, I'm losing patience for those not having similar inclinations and who would rather be left in their box that I will arrogantly label as Plato's cave.
I fear the community setting, the judgment that would be posed on me as I may not completely fit a category, and would most likely challenge individuals considering themselves superior given my wide scope of experiences and book knowledge. I've gone too far off the deep end, and am nervous about joining known secretive groups, though they seem to be the only groups that understand my breadth of knowledge and experiences. In addition, I find the sychronistic pull towards a book, a teacher, or an event to be the quickest way for growth, not joining and committing to a group.
Then again, Jesus, Siddhartha Guatama, and Mohammed challenged themselves in solitude before community, where I rarely see those in large communities flourish to the level of their masters. Maybe this is just what I need for proper development. Trust in my Higher Self, trust in the purpose and intent of my Higher Self, and just realize "all this pain is an illusion". Development of Self first and foremost and let all else fall into play. After all, loneliness is only an illusory internal state of being due to unaligned though-constructs, that can be consciously shifted knowing all is sourced from within.
Overly educated and continuously exploring and revealing more behind the veil.
"It cannot be too highly emphasized that the mystic swims in the same waters in which the psychotic drowns."
-James Wasserman, The Mystery Traditions