I started the practice of identifying with "awareness", or Self-Realization back around January 2014. Before that, I realize now, my reactions and decisions to life were based solely around ego-identity. These decisions are based on external belief systems as opposed to following a resonance, or intuitive impulse. By engaging in "awareness'' you tap out of the ego-identity to get a short-break from the maya story-line that is your life. In that break, you tap into the infinite, source. From here, we're capable of directing source energy to find our correct resonance for law of attraction manifestation. Basically, as holding the gifts of the original creator (shiva-awareness-self realization), you have the power to manifest your life (shakti-witness-nature/prakriti realization).
My life completely shifted around the early years of 2014, with the end of a 7+ year relationship that identified with my ego-identity in my pursuit of what I believed I was supposed to be doing under societies limiting definitions. It was to find the good wife, the good job that will hopefully make the rat race quicker and further inflate my ego, raise some kids, hopefully have some fun on the way, then die. In using my imagination to find what would bring me happiness, boy was my ego fooling myself. I need to be unrestrained and free to create as I see fit, something I'm still trying to figure out in this corporate/capitalist structure, but passionate about finding.
My conscious thinking has completely changed since beginning these practices. It's like I'm my own psychoanalyst now, dissecting and clearing thought-patterns. As an example, in using my imagination to find the perfect partner, I emotionally engaged in numerous settings with different types of women from all walks of life. What type of personality would I enjoy the most? What type of sensual expressions would I enjoy the most? What type of intellect would I enjoy the most? What type of adventures would I enjoy the most? What type of physical features would I enjoy the most? Basically, what I was consciously attempting to craft was, what I think would be my perfect woman, a desire to end all other desires. My original goal was to completely eliminate this desire, to transcend, to recognize that all is sourced from within. But, this inclination won't go away leaving me heart-sick, especially during astrological retrograde seasons.
SoIn using my imagination to conjure who she would be, I found numerous psychological obstacles. First came fear with the belief arising that she may not exist, or would rather choose someone else. That then led to depression. From the depths of depression, that's when I had to disengage into "awareness" and attempt to move out and into psychoanalyst mode. In the darker thought-emotions, I began to remember the law of attraction. Under these teachings, if I can imagine her, I can manifest her. So I pulled myself back into psychically attempting to feel what it would be like to be with such a female and succeeded. Then came a significant drop in my sense of self-worth. My ideal feminine, what if I'm unworthy of her? This was more difficult, back into harsher depression, then again remembering law of attraction, and then engaging the inner psychoanalyst to challenge self-worth beliefs. I needed to move energetically-emotionally into the position of being perfect and the highest ideal for her also. Though it took some effort, I managed to fully engage in the emotion of what it feels like to be with my perfect co-creator and blissfully relax into that emotion. So she has unfolded within.
She is my soul/spirit/breathe-mate bridged in matter.
My last teacher and liberator made manifest in duality.
My last drop of nectar before liberation.
My key to enter home.
Overly educated and continuously exploring and revealing more behind the veil.
"It cannot be too highly emphasized that the mystic swims in the same waters in which the psychotic drowns."
-James Wasserman, The Mystery Traditions