A Male Embracing His Inner Feminine

The Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine have taken different meanings based on the numerous spiritual teachers, all attempting to understand the human dynamic. Society, religion, and therefore our parents have all played a major role in shaping what it means to be "masculine" or "feminine", where certain colors, interests, emotions, are often given a gender dynamic. It seems that there was a masculine and feminine archetype, and humans based on their gender have sought to embody solely their own genders archetype. But such may have evolved into the shadow aspects of both the masculine and feminine, pushed forward by patriarchal leanings. 

Religion is at the forefront of creating this programming, where individuals are to play the roles of their gender archetype. The whole "god made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve" comes into play, with a deeper meaning stretching so much further than just simple sexual identity, yet these connotations pervade in every society-religion that takes issue of anything blending the male and female dynamic. In other words, this programming isn't just found in the Abrahmic traditions. 

In the esoteric works, before there was Adam and Eve, there was Adam and Lilith. Lilith being the first female, created at the same time as Adam, and wishing to be seen as an equivalent. Adam wanting to be superior denies Lilith, forces others to do the same by crafting her as the mother of demons, and thus patriarchal superiority is born. The same is somewhat found in Hinduism, where the embodiment of shakti herself, Sati, is denied by her father, Daksha, as the creator of Hindu Culture. Daksha is a devotee of Visnu in opposition to Shiva, where Visnu's feminine counterpart is often depicted as passive and in support of Visnu. Whereas, Shiva's feminine, Sati-Shakti, will stand on Shiva when need be as Ma Kali. The smoke arising from Sati's sacrifice at Daksha's yajna creates the Grandmother form of Ma Kali known as Ma Dhumavati, the Mother of misery and bhutas, ghosts. Like Lilith, Dhumavati is somewhat in opposition of the patriarchal culture where those in these religions have often been told to stay away from such beings.  

Taking the esoteric one step further, those really attempting to understand the Adam and Lilith dynamic comprehend Adam and Lilith to be one androgynous being, often known in occult circles as Adam-Kadmon, or more politically correct, Adam-Lilith Kadmon. Further, Shiva and his feminine also hold an androgynous form, that of Ardhanarishvara, where Shiva is known to often tell his consort who is lost in separation that she is always within him. Therefore, for Adam to deny Lilith is really to deny his own inner feminine. Taken with an understanding of the archetypes, it's to be completely in the "doing" aspect of yang, without the restful "accepting" aspect of yin. To deny the inner feminine is to deny the intuition for the sake of logic, where mystics and individuals like Albert Einstein all stressed the importance of the intuitive receptive abilities over logic.  

As a male, we're taught to deny these "feminine" emotions, pursue the Marlboro Man alpha male strength, where the only option in dealing with these "feels" is some form of intoxication. From my experience, this isn't just a programming that males hold, but one that is also similarly pushed by many females, all as part of the societal-religious programming. I know my ex-girlfriend called into question my masculinity when I couldn't always be the "rock", and similar dating profiles have held the metaphors of being an "ocean" looking for her "mountain". Many may say they appreciate a masculine willing to dive into their own depths, but let's just say actions speak louder than words, when really, the archetypal male/female programming describing what each gender should embody runs deep in humanity, as has been pushed for eons. ​​

To traverse the realm of the intuition is also to purge what has been bottled within, where an individual becomes more and more open to communicating with one's own physique. Messages and memories are stored, particularly ones that are denied and have not been moved for resolution or completion. Through my own meditative practice for the past few years, numerous meditation sessions have left me trampled, teary-eyed, and outright indulging bipolar like symptoms. In fact, I've spent quite a bit of time in bed these last couple of years dealing with known and unknown issues, including issues arising from past-life meditations where I may have been the opposite gender.

Given the significant amount of time that I've spent diving into meditation these last few years, where much of my external life has been at a standstill, I've come to understand that what is on the other side is more real than this physical delusion. Goddess mantras to fierce tantrik deities that dissolve my programming to crystallize Self, has brought an influx of feminine energy where such possessive energy has made me "feel" feminine when I meditate. In fact, under deep meditation, I would sometimes identify more-so with a feminine form, which has helped me come to understand that consciousness is unlimited in its capabilities where we ourselves subject our consciousness to the limitations we place upon it.  

I may be venturing into new territory, where I seek to be fluid and deep like the ocean as my meditations have shown me, but yet with a solid foundation reaching higher like our sacred mountains. I seek to have both nadis, the masculine sun and feminine moon, dance side by side up my sushumna spine to blend the masculine and feminine hemisphere of the brain, so that I may truly understand and k(g)now the capabilities of consciousness. I seek to move beyond all definitions, dualities, forms, and thoughts to the absolute which is beyond this dream that we mistakenly call reality. I seek to be Self, fully whole and complete within my own, Ardhanarishvara.