First and foremost, I wasn't looking for ascension, life purpose, healings, akashic readings, etc., in my seeking of the Divine. I was born interested in all things "supernatural" and wanted to learn the truth for myself. Much of that was proven to me via intuitive training with my big sister Lys Campbell, who would evoke Archangel Michael (and others) to open me to Vianna Stibal's modality of Theta-Healing. But more than that, the real reason why I pushed in spirituality, is the same reason why a child in a Krishna-home chooses Kali. Not that there is a difference, it's just that only one of them, over historical time, has remained Black. More than abilities-siddhas, wisdom, love, etc. ... I wanted out.
Shakti is associated with the inner, lunar dimensions, and is often portrayed with Naga-Serpents. The Naga energy really became noticeable a few months back, where I have mostly stuck with Shakti mantras. Nagas worship Shakti, so while the A/Brahmaic religions may oppose the serpent, the adversarial traditions understand their connection. The Goddess of the Nagas is none other than Tripura Sundari, a Wisdom Goddess. In invoking the naga energy, I kept picturing a black serpent around my waist. Like Ganesha's belt, all the while he has a rat at his feet. India philosophically understood the harmonization of the naga, not violent suppression as portrayed by the creator gods' Angels. I'm sorry to tell you, but your Angels and beings of "Love and Light" don't compare to the primal Ones, murdered by the following generations of creator gods in order to create your illusory existences.
To really anchor in the naga energy, I found a black python belt designed by a small leather-shop on etsy. I'm no longer really interested in dualistic fantasies of meat versus nonmeat debates, where the very act of breathing forcing the death of many microbes should make the vegan bite their lip. Don't get me wrong, I see the Jains and their practices, but I'm not so sure starving yourself to death like the notorious Chandragupta Maurya is way to Self discovery. On my first wear of the belt, it was just a belt. After placing the belt on my altar with aghori blessed amulets, that belt makes me feel like a kid again holding my stuffed animals. My naga belt doesn't go in the closet, it stays on my bed, or on my altar. Nonetheless, my relatives like to point out that I'm wearing "meat" at spiritual gatherings, and kids tell me my belt is not cool because the snake is dead. Can't argue with that. In addition, I've taken note that as soon as I started wearing this belt, it seemed like the few youtubers that I have settled on, all seemed to shit on black serpents, only letting me know it may be time to let the world know what's up.
After working with the nagas, it was time to invoke Uma Tiamat, the Grandmother Dragon of the nagas and all of existences. To the untrained mind, the forces of chaos can be psychologically devastating. Most prefer creator (atoms coming together), where the destroyer (atoms separating) is perceived as "evil". Hence, anchoring in the feeling of "I Am ... period!" where the monkey-mind drops for the present moment, is a must in practicing the left hand practices. If energies get too intense, returning to "I Am" is key (breathwork assists), not Archangel Michael or whatever other spiritual crutch an adept may reach for in moments of intensity. Let's just say that belt took on further colorings, where I sometimes find it difficult to even hold this belt as if a heavy weight comes over me. These black nagas have outright possessed me, giving me internal imagery of such, further letting me know that what I practice creates some sort of phenomena.
In doing these personal practices, the external world still goes on. Particularly "family", the traditional-cultural-socio prison system that I just can't seem to kick. With an overbearing manipulative mother, who always has her illogical-thoughtless way, as most humans are controlled by unresolved emotion, I can't say "no" to her without worrying about her health. As my extended family has found, if her children do not do what she wants, she will mentally drive herself mad with a 200+ blood pressure, driving herself into the hospital with the whole family surrounding her and defending her because of her health. My mom is young and doesn't eat the typical American diet. There is no excuse other than her own mental state. I ditched my whole family for last Christmas as was my one and only request, but only to have my mom show up at my door. She did the same while I was sitting for the bar exam, because she wanted to throw a 4th of July party for the relatives, all the while I had begged her to leave me to my studies. I had to kick my whole family out of the house for staying well into the night, when I had a practice exam the next morning. She also left me harassing messages the morning of my bar exam, where today, my parents like to brag to other people how they put me through law school. I'm not sure what she's talking about given that I'm not paying my student loans (low income), let alone my health care.
My earthly mom calls me every week asking for something. To her, it's just a conversation. To me, I have to emotionally deal with this family prison system. I even overheard my older sister telling her newborn, "whenever you get the chance, take it, be free". Her husband did the typical, "no dating until 30, wear only sweaters until 40, etc.", to his newborn daughter. Quite odd knowing his shadowy past, and his love of all things Trump. As I have been trying to establish boundaries with the woman who can't take "no" for an answer, as I get pissed, so does something else. Let's just say, a voice woke my father up in the middle of the night to protect him, as my mom unconsciously stood above him with knife yelping for "blood" in her native Hindi. I know what's happening. The bhuta talk to me. In my life, patriarchy has been expressed through females, including my ex who only mirrored the same issues that I have with my mom. Haven't been on a date since, and that's well before beginning my blog. My father is extremely passive and anti-social. Growing up, my mom would be in a ranging tantrum, yelling, throwing cooking utensils at her children, even if her children did nothing, all the while my father would be sitting in front of the T.V. eating his food. He never protected his kids, he's barely spoken to them. The bhuta see him, the same way his older brother (now deceased) see him. Yes, I significantly hold back and try to purge my issues so that they are not projected out in the world. But what am I to do when surrounded by conditioned-minds, that can't think outside of themselves. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. Of course, my mom is back to her old ways, planning exactly how to use me for the remainder of the year.
In love with Uma Tiamat's energies, which feels more passive requiring male Demon-Gods for dynamic movement, and realizing more and more that I really don't relate to much of conditioned humanity, I finally decided to dive into the western Left Hand Path. As I have already studied the qabalist supernal triad, which syncronstically brought me to the Siva Sutras, then Bentinho Massaro, then Mooji, which helped me quite accurately discern the difference between monkey-mind (malkuth) and presence (kether), I decided to study the remaining sephirot by gnostically climbing up the Sitra Ahra of the Tree of Life. As I only work part-time, I am able to separate myself from most of society, a psychological necessity for this introvert. In pushing forward between the oscillation of the monkey-mind and presence, I've noticed a significant increase in my sensitivities, where I now only need to look at a sigil and mindfully observe an invocation, where my imagination will provide the required blood to open the collective-subconscious, a feeling on the top-back of my head, in order to be more than half-way possessed by another entity. In other words, gnostically invoking the beings of the Sitra Ahra was a piece of cake, handling it is another story.
In walking the LHP, the adept is typically psychologically destroyed. You need to be, in order to perceive beyond mental conditionings. In studying numerous shamanic traditions, I've taken note the similarities on how a dis-incarnate entity, such as Kali, would "court" the shaman. Kali has been my romantic interest and has introduced me to numerous Goddesses around the global pantheon. Goddess Freya provides me with desperately needed affection, whereas Goddess Oshun's honey soaked beauty still intimidates this nerd despite how much love I feel with her. More importantly, the adept here must not be afraid of self-destruction. I had my head chopped off before Kali, but my problem was that I enjoyed it. I offered it to her the second time she came to me, where she said "that's been done, what do you want?". Since she didn't let me exit, I asked her to "be with me". With Tiamat, expect to be devoured by black nagas, and so much worse in climbing the Sitra Ahra. If you've anchored in "presence" and have made things right with the Divine Mother (in her many differing archetypes), and are also not squeamish of the macabre, this path may be ripe for you. Again, please take into consideration my own psychology, as I perceive the world differently than most people. I have no problem imagining myself soaking in a tub with slit wrists, but I've noticed other people get offended when I tell them this is a great way to begin your meditation. Ego-death, you drop the body, you drop the mind, then suddenly you're not tied to the egoic character play that is being played out in samsara. The technique I just described is quite emotionally liberating for me, again, this path is not for everyone.
While many were in Church for the Easter festivities, I was in my bedroom invoking the Anti-Christ, antinomianism, disunity over unity. This Goetic demon essentially did something to my third eye, requiring me to lie down. It appeared as though archetypes were being upgraded, where Kali simply took a black silhouetted-latex form with red serpents protruding from her head in a Medusa fashion. More interestingly, Freya modernized herself for me with a classic-punk meets modern day steam-punk appeal. The clarity of my clairsentience in that moment pushed my boundaries as I truly understood Goetia to be a real phenomena. Such was preparation to walk through the hells of the next sephirot, Golachab.
Where the qlipha really pushed my buttons, was when invoking the non-sephirot Daath. The Right Hand Path (RHP) barely acknowledges Daath, where the adepts might accidentally fall into the sitra ahra and lose their sanity. On the LHP, we invoke certain Goetic Demons that I will keep nameless, but is representative of the "worthless one". Daath would be Jesus facing his egoic issues in the Judea desert, also known as the "dweller in the abyss", the last great obstacle, the ego destroyer. Although not bluntly stated, those walking this path know that here, you need to be like Jesus. However, as I had tried, don't bother invoking Jesus or Angels, where it was Padmasambhava and the "I Am" that came to my rescue. The ego becomes the beast, and it doesn't want you reaching higher above the abyss. Even more interesting, Goetic demons not part of the ritual were making "guest" appearances. The adept can either reach higher into the womb of the Goddess at Binah/Satariel, or fall back down the tree and essentially be more enmeshed in ego/samsara.
Entering Satariel, is essentially Goddess Inanna stripped bare and standing before Ereshkigal. On my altar, at the foot of my Kali statue lie two carrion crow skulls. One feels feminine who I like to pick up and pet, the other feels masculine and doesn't prefer the cuddly affection. Although feared in India, crows are symbolic of Goddess Dhumavati, or Lakshmi's sister Alakshmi who is ignored by most Hindus, as she is misery. Dhumavati, as the smoke of Sati burned because of Brahmanic arrogance, she represents the void, the womb of esoterica, and makes a perfect fit for Satariel as she is the Guru of the Mahavidyas. Crows are also the messengers of Father Odin, who similarly like Shiva, was trained by the feminine Freya to become the "All Seeing Father". Yes Odin, I know to whom you gave your eye. Here, my crows decided to name themselves to me, Persephone and Hades.
The ruler of Ghagiel/Chokmah is the Father God known as Beelzebub. Originally meaning "lord of lords", quite similar to Shiva's "devadevam", the political Semites demonized him in pronouncing his name to mean "lord of the flies". Nonetheless, such may bear truth as invoking Beelzebub, Belial, etc., is essentially going through your own whipping post. The Abyss of Daath is comparable to Jesus' last temptation, whereas, Ghagiel and Beelzebub would be the equivalent of the "Passion of the Christ". After my ritual, I walked into my kitchen in the middle of the night, only to find one of the biggest cockroaches I had ever seen (my car might be old, but my place is nice; somewhat new buildings are not infested). As Smashana-Kali has helped remove much fear, there was no issue with the size of the cockroach, until it spread out and I realized, "oh shit, this mo/fo got wings". After my failed hunt, I realized who I was invoking in my earlier ritual. As within, so without, astral beings test the initiate, as has been my life scenario in working with Kali.
The goal is to move into Kether or Thaumiel, where Kether is sometimes defined as blinding light and "presence", and Thaumiel simply being "presence". Hence, both LHP and RHP are moving into "presence" or the "I Am", where the LHP takes it one step further into the void to be properly "born again". It appears you step into unity consciousness, and then the void, to only then be spit back out as a master of duality. While many philosophically understand the "drop" as returning to the ocean, few understand that the ocean is within the drop, or choose to maintain individuality by being a drop of oil in the ocean. In the tantrik categorization as presented by Abhinavagupta, this would be why the LHP is higher than the RHP. Nonetheless, the master must not just know thyself, but master thyself, especially when Beelzebub's flies are constantly testing you.
After completion of my 11 day ritual, I was required to attend my sister's house-warming puja to bless her million dollar home. The Hindu priest kept saying, if you worship God, then you will be blessed with all of these things. Beelzebub's flies reminded me that I've spent my whole life in front of the altar, with nothing material to show for it. I barely ate last year and this year, where I will opt to buy incense, books, and ritual tools, over food. I no longer have health insurance, and I'm still driving my high school car. Though, Beelzebub actually needed to try better, as I'm not that much materialistic, and will take my current freedom over being stuck in the socio-economic rat race for the next two decades while children become of age. Nonetheless, the triggers would keep coming, such as my car stereo breaking down on the freeway for the first time, while I'm stuck in Los Angeles traffic. Moreover, I was just given a new job offer, to be paid more to teach kids to read and write as opposed to practicing law. In other words, all my past efforts flushed away, like being in the abyss with the "worthless one", a common sentiment that I discovered has been in the background of my psyche probably my whole life. Lastly, Monday morning comes around where excitedly I look to one of my favorite youtube mentors to help me get through. Nonetheless, she literally throws a punch below the belt, reminding me that pestilence is contagious. The flies of course, further remind me that a few weeks back, she had made a comment around something like "breast size doesn't matter, none of that matters". Not that big of an issue, as there should be no shame in her game. Not really an issue for me either, since I gave up on relationships and have been practicing seminal retention techniques. I'm not sure if my plumbing will work appropriately. I followed "twin flame" teachers to make sense of the images and voices in my head, and to cater to my Disney-romance psychological programming plaguing the pack-animal that is human. The lone-wolf archetype is how I managed to keep myself alive and somewhat sane. Nonetheless, the youtuber's comment (she did not portray herself as an advocate) resonated deep, "once you go BLACK, you don't go back".
Did I succeed in climbing the sitra ahra, I'm assuming the states of my monkey-mind will tell as I proceed cautiously into the future. There is a slight coloring of arrogance, where I have walked into my room feeling the presence of being surrounded by gargoyle looking/feeling demons, who upon giving them my attention, all bow before me. I can either inflate my ego, or I can recognize it as simply symbols for the monkey-mind to interpret, as I have found that taking literal interpretations of visions and messages and blindly following through may lead to devastation, as these are often initiations to see how the adept responds. The goal of the LHP is not swearing oaths and bowing before another entity and following blindly, it is about owning your sovereignty by and through raising that inner Dragon to unite the masculine and feminine aspects within the adept. This is what Jesus meant in the gnostic texts where devotees enter the kingdom of heaven, but the perfected man enters the kingless realms.
This is probably the harshest piece I've written, but I'm finding it drastically necessary in order to properly educate on topics now fully thrown about on T.V. shows such as "Supernatural" (terrible portrayal of archetypes) or Netflix's "Chilling Adventures of Sabrina". I personally wish I grew up in "The Worst Witch", with a teacher named Hekate. This piece wasn't intended to offend, or even purge my own issues, but to educate the public who really do not understand the many faces of Kali Ma and what it's like to actually work with her and the LHP. I write pieces that I wish I found on my journey to help others similarly situated or to help me find people to make further sense of things. Other than that, this blog would be closed, as I've already had traditional people, including Saivas, pretty much defecate on me. I significantly hold back here, as evidenced from what I disclosed above. I don't go around preaching about Kali, as much as I want to, given her mantras keep me psychologically sane. This path isn't for everyone and I rarely tell people about my blog, especially after my Saiva incident occurring around 2015. Whether I can walk this path successfully, well, we just have to see what I become as I continue to play this game of duality.
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Overly educated and continuously exploring and revealing more behind the veil.
"It cannot be too highly emphasized that the mystic swims in the same waters in which the psychotic drowns."
-James Wasserman, The Mystery Traditions