A Visit from Aunt Susan

Winding down from the day typically means soaking in the tab. Salt water, purifier of the soul. Already having meditated throughout the day, the ego monkey mind want's to fight. It's the animal-senses way of keeping one on the wheel of samsara. To allow for deeper breaths, invoking the terrifying Bhairavi is the best way to dissolve thought, let go, and relax. She's a must for deeper pranayama, though beware, she brings on the purge.  

The mind stills and relaxes as a very decrepit, skin melting off the bones, very pale skinned with glowing white hair elderly female approaches requesting my attention. Not annoyed with my personal space disturbed, and actually quite excited to see this individual who reminds me of Dhumavati, surprisingly without fear I say "hello" and reach out my hand to be shook.  "Thank you for having me", she states, "I just wanted to say hello and greet you". I asked of her name and received the reply of "Aunt Susan". "What the fuck, I'm Indian, with little to no relatives with a Western name, are you of my lineage", I yelp trying to figure out who the hell just entered into my domain. Communication is more with inner guidance, where I trust the intense pulses within me to come to an answer. That also means my bullshit meter is on point. In response to my request, I felt pulled downward, not to what we would call lower astral levels, but to one of my downstairs neighbors. Coming to terms that I have nothing to worry about, I further greet "Aunt Susan" and allow her to remain and continue to observe me in my "process".   

Immediately thereafter my soak, my biological mother calls me for our weekly quick updates. As I have attempted to express to certain relatives, the practices of advaita has the effect of shredding something inside of me. My clairsentience has increased to the point that when people talk, the logical mind begins to subside as I begin to feel odd impulses and quite claustrophobic around those who do not practice meditation. It feels like feeling another's deep psychological conditioning as well as outright bullshit. I guess that's what happens when an empath meditates. I guess this is also why the Buddhist Jewel of Sangha is highly important. 

There have been numerous issues with my family, particularly with narcissistic individuals who think they are doing "good", but are really causing harm. When an individual has not developed logically, that can result in lots of emotional outbursts in order to have their way. My own mother falls into this category who has controlled our household like it's William Golding's, Lord of the Flies. She would be the harsh angry patriarchal energy in our home, with my biological father being a non-sociable introvert who never stood in the way of my mom's warpath. Whether it was getting things thrown at me, or getting kicked out of the house because I spent an hour with my girlfriend, the word "family" today still carries more sting then love, where I found bliss and happiness in solitude. That home life was suicidal for me, especially in having a voice that was just never heard, and of course those emotions return today as I've continually gotten caught up in someone else's mess. Even if I am to enter into a relationship again, the fear of having that someone meet my mother would be worse then Virgil's/Dante's hell. Let me put it this way, my mother had forbid my ex-girlfriend from attending my law school graduation because she said it was against "traditions", all the while she had called me the morning of my bar exam to harass me. Imagine sitting for a three (3) day exam with that in your head, with the CA bar being the most difficult. Yes, I still hate it when my parents tell people they put me through law school. If my mom didn't have her way, her anger would shoot her blood pressure into the 200s sending her straight to the hospital, creating an even worse trap for her kids. 

My elder sister had eloped with a man whose shadows were well known within the family. Though my mother has sought to resolve her issues, I had seen the same psychological-conditioning arise in both my sister and her husband. My sis shockingly being a supporter of Trump, but not really shocking with the man she ended up with, who follows traditional archetypal standards of men and women, and such views on society. She eloped, had a few good years away from the family, then returned to my mother with a child in her hands. To this day, my Leo sister holds her head up high, views the rest of the family like their some cheap pawns, then has the nerve to tell people in the family what to do without even knowing all the facts. 

In my conversations with my mother, she has been upset with everyone else, except my sister. Nonetheless, she see's what my sis is doing and even confronted me regarding the latest issue. My mom has thrown tantrums with other family members, including myself when I had stated to her that she had picked a side. However, in this phone call, my mom admitted she will not say anything to my sis given that she doesn't want her to leave again, all the while pointing the finger at other relatives and their anger.

I let my mom have it! She has used the concept of "traditions", or used family and their children to manipulate me to get me to do things, even if she can't psychologically see that. Hence, casebook narcissist. I've realized the meaningless of loyalty, where I simply now perceive my family as individuals with highly selfish interests, all of which are afraid of looking in the mirror. I presume this is why Kali is so feared, where I'm so far the only one who taken her name in my family, everyone else perceives her as evil with their extremely limited understanding of spirituality, but extraordinarily inflated ideals of person-hood.  Nonetheless, she has been around me assisting me. Even my Jewish-American brother in law is the product of past Romani Gypsies who sought the blessings of St. Sara-Kali.   

I had trouble in coming to peace with the way I conducted myself over the phone. But as an attorney who understand the efficacy of words, I know sometimes we need to be gangster in order for people to hear beyond their psychological conditioning. And yes, everything happens for a reason. I really got a better understanding of that after I had googled "Aunt Susan". At least the Goddess is with me helping me through.