Lost In Meditation

I had a rather interesting experience meditating a few weeks ago. One that has left me contemplating not only it's merit, but the possibilities of actually experiencing who we really are. I mean, it's one thing to read the books and logically assess "yes, we are the universe attempting to experience itself", but it's another thing to experience being something beyond what we typically believe ourselves to be. 

Now, again I'm still assessing the merits of this particular experience. Under the Vipassana/Mindfulness practices, should you see anything, it's most likely another thought distraction that you need to address as such. No doubt, when I do feel like I'm getting close to focusing on the void of thoughtlessness, my mind grasps any images no matter how irrelevant these images are to my daily life. Hence, faces that I don't remember, animals I typically don't think about or see (I've since been very attracted to Jaguars because of this), or distant memories that I haven't considered all seem to typically arise at these moments, once I'm able to cease my thoughts of the day. Nonetheless, "when you see the Buddha walking down the street, kill him!" Another words, should you see such images no matter how spiritual you may think it may be, get rid of it for the sake of the void. 

In this particular meditation, it was like a large eraser swiftly moving back forth horizontally from the top of my head downwards. Everything I believed to be a composition of my being consisting of gender, profession, personality, relationships, interests, etc, suddenly disappeared leaving what appeared to be simply an outline of my lotus position figure completely engrossed in the galaxy. Coming to this realization, I panicked fearing the loss of my memory and I attempted to conjure any memory to ensure that I hadn't completely lost my mind. The most I was able to conjure were the images of certain family members that appeared more real than just simple images. However, in seeing their faces, I carried a certain disdain and thought to myself "you're just clay that is molded to make such an appearance" or "you're a spark of light wearing a meat suit". In further dissecting this aspect, their drama filled lives seemed completely unreal. I wanted to shake them, yell at them, basically tell them that they are not that drama nor the emotional attachments thereof. I wanted to tell them that they are so much more than what they believed to be their life, which I can only associate with that little star of a light I saw lingering within them. 

Then moved my attention to my-self, the most fearful aspect of this experience. I can only sum it up with "what the hell is this!". I'm use to the overly-critical mental bashing of myself being the introverted chatty Gemini moon that I am. But this time, everything I appeared to be was just fake. I felt like the biggest actor of them all with all my purported accomplishments, goals, and aspirations. What's worse was that I was objectively looking at myself with pity, like "this poor soul is putting itself through so much anxiety and pain".  It's like whatever I had become was being critical but  in a compassionate sense . Nonetheless, it was too difficult to address and I didn't want to become my-self again. So I quickly dissipated this thought process, given that I was meditating, returning to my galaxy embellished outlined figure. 

Philippe Caza

I, a universe of atoms, an atom in the universe. -Richard P. Feynman

This experience left a lasting impression, almost delusional where it appears that my day to day ego is trying to challenge this event. I remember feeling anxiety and fear when addressing my, we'll call it "identified (i.d.) self", or even coming back or be-coming my i.d. self  again from the, we'll call it "galactic self". We're just so embossed with our i.d. agenda that we tend to forego what spirituality has taught us as true reality. Although my critical i.d. self is attempting to demolish any merit this experience may have had on me, I know it has created an awe of intrigue and at least it was a step in locating the answers to the critical "who am I, what am I, where am I".