Invoking The Dark Goddess

As the title to this piece describes, I would like to share another meditative experience that has left me questioning myself, my abilities, and what I'm doing. The main question that arose is when does channeling become possession? The deity of my choice has been Kali, in all of her forms, not just Mother. Provided that I have always had interest beyond the norm, which has made it difficult to relate to others engrossed in typical day to day activities, transcendence beyond the norm is what has attracted to me. Kali and Shiva seem to be the deities of "transcendence", the moving beyond something that is no longer desired. One aspect of ourselves that much of our society appears to attempt to transcend is our sexuality. You have orthodox religion negating sexuality in a society where sex sells. You would think that placing a taboo on something will only increase the desire. Transcendence would mean you have enough of something, or simply don't need something, to move beyond the desire. 

The reason I raise sexuality is because the Goddess energy appears to carry a sexual undertone. When contemplating different Goddesses, I feel a different sensation. Kali is passionate and rigorous, Hathor is complete joy and bliss and love, Quan Yin and Mother Mary are nurturing, and Mary Magdalene is like falling/being in love.  So here, I would like to address Kali provided that I have been chanting her mantras for over a year with phenomenal success. Her presence is vicious with the reminder of her loving presence when you need to have that memory. Provided that She is the benevolent consort of Shiva known as Parvati who acts as an intermediary between devotees and Shiva, she is also the love and bliss of Hathor who will tear shit up in the most bloodthirsty way as Sekhmet. She is the terrific and the terrible. 

So this was Tuesday, October 20, 2015. I had a great day, was full of energy, got some exercise, and was just full of bliss given the new insights I have been obtaining. It was the day after Kaalratri, which is dedicated to Kali, under the nights of the Goddess tradition of Navratri. The incense was lit whenever I had the chance, I had light meals, it was like walking on air. I began my evening ritual meditation where I set myself up in position with certain gemstones and begin focusing on my breathe. When fully relaxed, I grounded into the Mother Earth, pulled in energy from the Cosmic Universe, and let my Chakras light up and release whatever is holding me back. Go back into the mindfulness of my breathe for a few moments, and the mantras began. 

Unlike most mindfulness practices, if my mind drifts off to areas worth exploring, I proceed with those thoughts instead of the whole "when you see the Buddha on the road, kill him". I saw myself as a child wrapped up in Mother Kali's bloody arms. I was also getting images of my biological mother holding me, and just sensing the passion and love that the feminine was providing. With Kali, provided that she is nude, her bodily warmth was the perfect place to rest. As a child, she proceeded to breast feed me. The milk absorbed was felt throughout my body, like pranic jet fuel. As she is the great nurturer, the Mother is known to provide all the nutritional sustenance needed for an infant. As a child, I felt complete. However, as an adult, well, we'll just say it gets a bit odd from here.

Provided that I am a grown straight male in a society that has overly-sexualized the female breasts, the visionary inner child was obtaining pranic bliss, while the grown male sitting in meditation was feeling the sensations of arousal. Now, in terms of sensations, breathing deep is pulling in prana to fill our body, like placing gasoline in an automobile. However, sensual arousal is like setting that gasoline/prana on fire. Kundalini energy, which is prana  in motion, carries with it strong erotic tones meant to be mastered in the inner world. Needless to say, it took the meditation to a completely different realm. 

In my prior meditations, I have been visited by a jaguar/panther (huge black cat in the jungle) where I become this feline and see life through her eyes. This imagery immediately arouse with my arousal. More than any other meditation experience I've had, I was that damn cat and she was pumped up for the hunt. I found myself tensing up ready to prowl and my gnarls were turning into vicious growls. I was so lost being this cat, that it was difficult to "meditate" with my japa/mala beads and continue with the mantra. My neck was overly tensing and my head was yelping these intense growls. Again, I was possessed by this dark and vicious feline. 

As I continued to growl, attempting not to disturb my neighbors (yes, it was that intense!), I was showing my teeth as any predator would before the fight. In that moment, I realized that the Goddess also has those vampire canines. From the black panther, I morphed into the Goddess where I was aware of having four arms, was completely nude in female form, and all I could think of was devouring my prey, even if it was in human form. 

Provided that human destruction is not my interest, the imagery was at first very disturbing. Nonetheless, in moments of doubt, I would have flashes to Parvati, which was reminder of the Goddesses constant change of nature. The destructive qualities have a purpose. As Kali or the masculine Kaala is associated with "time", without time there is no death or birth, and here She is devouring that illusion. She is the one to assist in the transcendence of our attachment to these illusions, including our attachment to the illusion of time that so dictates our lives. 

Nonetheless, I'm still aroused and through Kali, causing all kinds of chaos. I believe I was rolled up into fetal position holding my knees closely to my chest with my eyes bulging looking for the next prey. To move beyond, or should I say, calm down, I switched to Shiva through chanting Om Namah Shivaya. Intent on Shiva now, my mind is now set on his form as a corpse with an erection laying in front of the destructive Kali. Upon seeing my form, Kali rests herself upon me the way Lilith demanded of Adam, and well, I'll just end that here. 

Life and death
and life in death,
you poured out blood
in whose streams of transformation
we blindly come and and go,
transfixed by the glitter of your dance.
-Vamadeva Shastri

Through my awareness, I was able to shift my perception between the masculine and feminine while the parties were intimate. The sensations were ecstatic and led to a climactic event that sent wonders up my spine. Oh how I wish to stay in that moment, but I must proceed with our illusory "reality". The session ended about 10 p.m. and I didn't fall asleep until midnight knowing I had a long work day ahead of me. Between 10 p.m. and 12 p.m., I just kept having quick flashes of insight regarding the "I Am" presence, the nature of "reality", etc., but it was happening so quick that I was unable to assess each and write them down. Moreover, I think my logical mind may have forgotten much of the information received in that time frame. However, I guess you can say that I was "downloading" information that may unfold as I continue on this path. All I can conclude with is that I feel blessed knowing that Her presence is stronger than ever.