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I started the practice of identifying with "awareness", or Self-Realization back around January 2014. Before that, I realize now, my reactions and decisions to life were based solely around ego-identity. These decisions are based on external belief systems as opposed to following a resonance, or intuitive impulse. By engaging in "awareness'' you tap out of the ego-identity to get a short-break from the maya story-line that is your life. In that break, you tap into the infinite, source. From here, we're capable of directing source energy to find our correct resonance for law of attraction manifestation. Basically, as holding the gifts of the original creator (shiva-awareness-self realization), you have the power to manifest your life (shakti-witness-nature/prakriti realization). My life completely shifted around the early years of 2014, with the end of a 7+ year relationship that identified with my ego-identity in my pursuit of what I believed I was supposed to be doing under societies limiting definitions. It was to find the good wife, the good job that will hopefully make the rat race quicker and further inflate my ego, raise some kids, hopefully have some fun on the way, then die. In using my imagination to find what would bring me happiness, boy was my ego fooling myself. I need to be unrestrained and free to create as I see fit, something I'm still trying to figure out in this corporate/capitalist structure, but passionate about finding. My conscious thinking has completely changed since beginning these practices. It's like I'm my own psychoanalyst now, dissecting and clearing thought-patterns. As an example, in using my imagination to find the perfect partner, I emotionally engaged in numerous settings with different types of women from all walks of life. What type of personality would I enjoy the most? What type of sensual expressions would I enjoy the most? What type of intellect would I enjoy the most? What type of adventures would I enjoy the most? What type of physical features would I enjoy the most? Basically, what I was consciously attempting to craft was, what I think would be my perfect woman, a desire to end all other desires. My original goal was to completely eliminate this desire, to transcend, to recognize that all is sourced from within. But, this inclination won't go away leaving me heart-sick, especially during astrological retrograde seasons. SoIn using my imagination to conjure who she would be, I found numerous psychological obstacles. First came fear with the belief arising that she may not exist, or would rather choose someone else. That then led to depression. From the depths of depression, that's when I had to disengage into "awareness" and attempt to move out and into psychoanalyst mode. In the darker thought-emotions, I began to remember the law of attraction. Under these teachings, if I can imagine her, I can manifest her. So I pulled myself back into psychically attempting to feel what it would be like to be with such a female and succeeded. Then came a significant drop in my sense of self-worth. My ideal feminine, what if I'm unworthy of her? This was more difficult, back into harsher depression, then again remembering law of attraction, and then engaging the inner psychoanalyst to challenge self-worth beliefs. I needed to move energetically-emotionally into the position of being perfect and the highest ideal for her also. Though it took some effort, I managed to fully engage in the emotion of what it feels like to be with my perfect co-creator and blissfully relax into that emotion. So she has unfolded within. She is my soul/spirit/breathe-mate bridged in matter.
My last teacher and liberator made manifest in duality. My last drop of nectar before liberation. My key to enter home. My Vajrayogini.
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Back in early 2014, when I felt that life was basically a "wall" for me, I met with a Vedic Astrologer in an attempt to get a glimpse of anything beyond that "wall". As I'm sure for all us, there is always something beyond the wall, but knowing it provides some hope when you feel like throwing in the towel. One question that I had asked was rather intense, and I didn't know that it would lead me in a particular route. I had asked what was the purpose of all my spiritual practices? I've had a passion for the esoteric mysteries since boyhood, but started to feel like it was an entertainment-hobby. In other words, what are the fruits of this labor? I didn't really believe in the "do this and that" and you'll get to heaven dribble, provided that, for me, that sounds like an outright attempt to control/dominate someone. The astrologer had simply responded to my spiritual question with simply more information about myself, my intuitive abilities, etc. I was left thinking to myself that he didn't answer my question. However, I realize I wasn't ready for the answer, which was really a deep philosophical question that was to unfold for me as opposed to be outright told. Sans any external permission-slip, when I'm ready, the answers will unfold. To really get the grasp of my current understanding, I needed to psychologically depose myself and my beliefs/thoughts connected with my emotional body. Though they're teachers that express this process as unnecessary, it is nonetheless what I painfully went/going through. To really separate myself, my awareness from the story-identity-ego, is really being your own psychoanalyst trying to figure out why I believe in my short-comings. Going though this is to dive into your shadow side and face your demons. Where it seems that every other pre-2014 teaching I had come across and practiced was geared towards an outward divinity, usually one with it's own ego-identity story, to help with my life, I began moving more into going within. Inside I found emotional memories (blockages/binds/attachments) that seemed to manifest my personal limitations. I can no longer find where I discovered this interpretation, however, I like seeing religion defined as re-legion, where the many become one. Through the sanskrit word yoga, we have the word yoke, meaning to bind. Spirituality seems to be best defined as dealing with spirit. So, within the symbolism of our metaphysics, we're given a glimpse of the answer that I was seeking. Through these symbols we find the aim of religion and yoga is to make an individual whole and complete, which I believe is the merge between spirit and matter originally found within the symbol of the equilateral cross. This is the merge between the Higher Self (spirit) and Ego-Identity-Story (matter/maya/samsara). To bridge the gap between spirit and matter is my aim whenever I take part in religious, yogic, spiritual practices. It is powerful to simply be in the "intent" of making that one's goal, as I do believe the universe hears through the law of attraction. The heavens of the astral plane, or celestial-abode, that form-worshipers seek to attain is still within the illusion, maya, as described by yogis. Though such abodes are excellent heights to aim for, and I'm not here to deter anyone as I would love to make such pit-stops myself, but I seek the truth of myself/Self. Moreover, I prefer the idea of the many attempting deep inner practices (yoga) and coming together to discuss our findings (religion) to better understand the nature of Spirit (spirituality). Now, I really can't identify myself, my identity-story, with the person that I was pre-2014. Any memory of those times that come up, seem to come up to be cleared. I'll use NLP, or just imagine my present self sending love to that self in that memory, if need be. That seems easier then dissecting and judging (seeking the truth, not punishing) that former aspect of myself. Overall, the emotion just needs to be cleared.
As I see it as I continue on my hero's journey, my goal is to continue to further myself to my Self. To unfold and unravel that which has limited me from reaching my true potential and accept the truth of myself. To bridge the gap of understanding and experiencing unlimited possibilities. To gain knowledge and experience wisdom. To come closer to the inner love and light within. Enlightenment. Reaching this full expression of Spirit, I hope to be liberated from all my limitations. I think that's a way we can bridge the gap between: spirit-matter; brahman-brahma (kether-malkuth); atman-atom; and A'tem (Egypts first realized man)-Adam (Hebrews first man). It's our birthright, to face crucifixion on the equilateral cross.
To begin with, and even his students would agree, Crowley was a pompous asshole. He wanted attention and his arrogance was shown in every which way possible. Ethnically Indian, Crowley would study esoteric works of the East, and on the same coin, talk significant shit about "Hindoos" for not being able to recognize the import of their own philosophies. Given the significance of Crowley's work, I simply ignored his melodramatic personality to pierce into deeper wisdom. One that I recognize now as a blend of esoteric Hermetic (Egyptian), Qabalist (Jewish), and Eastern mysticism. It is only in studying these different topics does Crowley's work begin to make sense, where he is known to write in a sexually-poetic cryptic fashion. Nonetheless, I too recently have felt the qualms that Crowley has felt when looking at the masses and thinking, "if you only understood the symbolism behind your rituals".
Now, I'm not defending Crowley's conduct. He may have committed heinous acts that I cannot presently understand or accept, and many stories may be false, but I hold high respect for any individual who goes against the collective-norm in search of Truth. Unlike many individuals that I've found in my pursuit, who seem to learn very little but act like a master, Crowley dived into it all and let the world know that "there are more things in heaven and earth, than are dreamt of in our philosophies". Yes he wanted to keep inflating his ego, but by far, Crowley was a sincere seeker of wisdom as shown through his efforts and encrypted in his writings. In contrast, I feel that sincerity among spiritual adepts is hard to find, where ego/power is what is sought after, not wisdom.
In a spiritual secret society, the primary relationship one is forming is with one's own Higher Self. -James Wasserman, The Mystery Traditions Crowley's axiom is often stated with that one line shown in the preceding paragraph. However, that statement is really two lines, which the anti-Occultists completely ignore. The second line is "Love Is The Law Love Under Will". Another words, Love and Will are intertwined. If one is acting (will) completely out of love, then where does evil fit? Crowley's axiom is essentially the meeting of the divine masculine (Will) with the divine feminine (Love), recognized by those with eyes to see and ears to hear. To conclude, I don't accept everything Crowley says and does, and only take what resonates with me. However, I find that as I age in growth, Crowley makes even more sense. I now attempt to look beyond a "teachers" ego-identity and look at the information, for the information is the real Gu-Ru (the destroyer of Ignorance) not the individual ego-identity vehicle giving the information that we often end up praising. I take what resonates and leave what doesn't. With Crowley, he's been a big aspect of my own growth and I have to recognize the catalyst he has been for my own spirituality. Needless to say, spending a few hours with the works of Crowley has been more enlightening and satisfying than thirteen (13) years (including Kindergarten) of Christian education, which I found the followers to be just as pompous and arrogant as Crowley, but simple-minded. Nonetheless, I know my path. Like Crowley, I am here to seek wisdom (Sophia), not follow blind-faith.
In essence, all seeking and knowledge is a result of duality. Duality is merely the illusory fabric of creation for which we play our roles (dual; creation). Provided that all within the illusion is still an illusion (maya), a product of samsara, all knowledge, though attempting to get you closer to the truth, is in essence a falsehood. Knowledge is merely a thought, and the goal is Gnowledge. Hence, the "Book of Lies".
I've often stated that I like the way the ancient Egyptians called their deities, Neters. From Neter we have derived the word "nature". Another words, a particular deity would be the "nature" of an aspect of the infinite one. As an example, Hathor would represent the abundance, prosperity, and love aspect of the infinite one, just like the Devi Lakshmi in Hinduism. Astrologically, Hathor and Lakshmi would be the archetypal planetary Venus. In essence, she is a certain aspect, a particular "nature" of the infinite one. In Hinduism, there is a particular Sanskrit term that is often portrayed with Goddess energy, Prakriti. Prakriti means "nature" and is also where the English term "practical" has its roots in the Indo-European languages. To act as "practical" is to act as the way one normally would, to act "naturally". Therefore, to put God into practical terms, we are basically using permission slips (deities) to tap into certain aspects of the infinite one. For the infinite one, it is "natural" to be abundant, prosperous, and loving within the unlimited vast expanse. Hence, in using these archetypes, we are essentially attempting to return to the "natural" way of thinking and doing. We attempt to embody the creative aspects of Brahma, the proper management of creation through Vishnu, and the ability to transcend our creation (illusion/delusion) with Shiva, and obtain knowledge through such experience with Shiva's consort Kali (Mahavidya; Wisdom Goddesses) who cleans us of our delusions. In Vedic philosophy, one is self-illuminated by the Atman, or the Spirit (Self). To take a step further, the ultimate reality is Brahman for which each sentient being seeks. The difference between Atman and Brahman is the difference between the air inside of a jar and the air surrounding the jar. Hence, in understanding the Self and each deity mainly as a permeation of the Self, the deities of our pantheons become the inner psyche for which we attempt to embody, to act in a "practical" way that would be "natural" for the infinite one.
In my early college years back at the turn of the millennium, it bothered me to take courses on philosophy only to find that much of the lectures revolved around free-will. Having read certain philosophers outside of course material, I took a different perspective and understanding of each of these great thinkers insights. However, with an Eastern background, my answer to free-will was always "karma". Though we have the ability to make choices, such choices are causes that will have an effect. Bentinho Massaro defines free-will as akin to the third density, or third chakra. The third chakra is the solar plexus that seems to embody the individuals identity. Of course, an individual identity is composed of different choices based on free-will. The third density is compared to the lower densities, particularly the second density that is the sacral chakra. The second density would be compared to the animal kingdom, particularly animals that are solely driven by base desires: to eat, to procreate, to sleep. The human is different in that questions began to arise beyond eating, procreating, and sleeping, where humans dabble in thought seeking for more. Though compared to the animal, insect, and plant kingdom, humans seem to have a stronger grasp of holding the ability to make choices. Humans are driven by more than simple base desires where humans have created culture, art, science, etc. Nonetheless, beginning in 2014, I started thinking about the concept that what seems to be real, is merely an illusion. When taking our mass into a subatomic outlook, we are more space than mass. Moreover, information is floating around that we're only about 10% human, with the remaining 90% being microbes. In asking questions in attempting to discover what we really are, I started having fascinating ideas that have only lead me further down the rabbit hole. My initial college assessment of free-will was to view such choices under the laws of karma. In studying astrology, and having my own reading where a Vedic astrologer eerily predicted the exact date my finances would start to change, it seems that much of our free-will is already predetermined by what is written/reflected in the stars. Even after studying the different astrological archetypes, whenever I see a close one act a certain way, my response is now "typical Virgo looking to serve" or "the Aries needs to get his name out there", etc. So, do we really have free-will, when although we may be blind to the astrological energies and think we're acting out of free-will, but we somehow end up acting out of our typical nature that's already structured? Taking it a step further, I started having ideas of how easy it would be to control a human provided the correct technology. Imagine if you had a remote to someone's bodily chemistry, if you wanted someone to fight, all that would be necessary is to his the anger button releasing the bodily chemicals that get an individual heated. Same thing with hunger, sensuality, etc. All you would need is the ability to control certain chemicals within an individuals body to get him/her to act accordingly. It would be like playing a game of "sims" where you create a small society and control the characters daily functions. When you take a look psychologically at most people, it seems that the majority are acting accordingly to these bodily chemicals. Advertisers play on this human weakness with images of delicious food, sexuality, and even prestige. In addition, when taking a meditative look at the plethora of human feelings, we're told things like "not to act out of anger". Under meditation when you are analyzing your thoughts, you'll find that such analysis travels into your daily routines. If one is angry, you can take note that the thoughts will be similarly based on anger. If one is happy, then the thoughts carry an uplifting flare. However, the point is that the "thoughts-feelings" seem to tag-team each other and somewhat direct our action. With astrology showing some aspects of our personality and life-experiences as predetermined, and our "thought-feelings" being dictated by our bodily chemistry for which most humans typically submit too, do we really have free will? Thinking in terms of legality, our "thought-feeling" structure would seem to hold each human under duress to create certain life experiences. Though we have the option to fight against duress, is it really a fair battle? Let's take it a step further. Most of the way we think and perceive the world is based on cultural perspectives, mostly given to us by our parents. For example, children are not born racists, but the external perspective and beliefs given by authority figures have the ability to instill hatred within a budding child. Racism is an obvious example, but the same applies with culture, religion, politics, etc., beliefs and theoretical concepts that children grow up willing to defend at all costs simply because their parents instilled those belief systems. Again, are we acting under free will, or acting under someone else's definitions of the world that is embedded into our (sub)consciousness. I do not remember any of these concepts described above in any of my philosophy courses. Then again, such professors also had to get an education in philosophy where they are trained to see philosophy in a certain light, which is then again pushed onto the future generation of students. Again, where's the free-will even in the philosophy courses. Under the yogic traditions, calming the monkey mind and controlling the sense are keys to liberation. With the assessment above, I can see why. With a clear head irrespective of emotions, we have clarity. With the senses under control, particularly the bodily chemistry and its desires, we finally have the ability to make choices out of free-will, a liberation. Like what Sri Yuketswar said to his student Paramahansa Yoganada, it's only on certain realizations that one is able to opt-out of one's astrology, particularly the negative aspects. That's just it, most of us don't realize that we're not the ones making the decisions as we typically don't dive deeply psychologically and ask ourselves the "why" for certain desires.
From continuing my studies and insights, I can see why individuals like Carl Jung sought the ancient texts, setting him aside from his western counterparts. Overall, maybe mastering the senses and monkey mind is the reason for third density (solar plexus) free-will, human evolution beyond the animal kingdom. |
AuthorOverly educated and continuously exploring and revealing more behind the veil. "It cannot be too highly emphasized that the mystic swims in the same waters in which the psychotic drowns."
-James Wasserman, The Mystery Traditions Archives
August 2019
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